Submissive fantasies turn me on

Introduce him to some playful erotic bondage, advises Pamela Stephenson Connolly I’m a 29-year-old girl who has always been turned on by submissive fantasies – such as being raped, tortured, tied up etc. I know these are common female fantasies, but my problem is I can’t have an orgasm during normal sex. I can’t even get turned on unless I think about submissive situations. My partner wouldn’t understand if I told him what I really crave. Sometimes I think I should just give up on normal relationships and find a partner who’ll be my “master” as opposed to a kind, loving, normal guy who I can enjoy all other aspects of my life with. It’s interesting that you think your current situation is the opposite to what you crave, because this “normal” relationship actually has all the trappings of power-exchange sex. You withhold pleasure from yourself because you don’t allow your partner to understand who you really are sexually, and he – through ignorance – is unwittingly performing a dominant role. People are more multi-faceted than you think, and he may surprise you. Your desires are not unusual. Stop allowing your guilt to maintain this unconscious acting-out of your sadomasochistic desires. Find a gentle, palatable way to gradually introduce him to some playful erotic bondage, domination, or role-playing in a safe, sane and consensual manner. If you tandem “vanilla” fantasies with the submissive ones you will eventually develop more variety, but give yourself permission to accept your sexual style. • Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. • Send your problem to private.lives@guardian.co.uk Sex Relationships Pamela Stephenson Connolly guardian.co.uk

Posted by on May 5, 2011. Filed under News, Politics, World News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.