Saturday clockwatch – live! | Jacob Steinberg

• Turn on our auto-refresh tool for the latest updates • Email jacob.steinberg.casual@guardian.co.uk for a chat • Follow Jacob on Twitter if that’s your thing • All today’s scores and scorers in one handy place Back in 15 minutes. “I predict a very, very bad season for Everton this campaign,” says Sean Moore. “No money, no investment, the banks holding us to ransom, no new players, no new ground, or, indeed, grounds for optimism. Somebody, somewhere – please put some capital in the club, and fast, before it’s too late. Once it’s gone, it’s gone, and the premier league will be the poorer for it.” If it’s any consolation, Liverpool aren’t winning. Half time: Swansea 0-0 Wigan. Swansea have been brilliant but they don’t lead. Half time: Aston Villa 2-0 Blackburn. It’s not Steve Kean’s week. Half time: Everton 0-1 QPR. Well. 3.45pm: “I don’t think any discussion on Goldfinger is complete without this piece of genuis from Peter Serafinowicz,” says Terry Cooper. “As one of the commenters on Youtube said I don’t think i can take Ringo seriously anymore of viewing that!” When did they take him 3.43pm: Port Vale are 4-0 up against Accrington. Dear me. “She’s on a roll today,” says Andrew Dean. “My girlfriend asks, ‘What’s so funny about a Clockwatch reader having a girlfriend? Nerds have sex too’” Really ? GOAL! Burnley 1-1 Cardiff (Earnshaw, 40 min): We’re on an ad break, so no details of the goal. But what’s important is that Cardiff are level and Robert Earnshaw’s done a somersault. 3.40pm: Everton appeal for a penalty as Cahill goes down in the area, but the referee says no. The attack continues, the ball’s flung back into the area and Cahill somehow heads wide from six yards out. Remarkably he hasn’t scored a goal for Everton in 2011. 3.39pm: Which one was the gold finger? 3.37pm: “Maybe it’s just Malcolm In the Middle because it always him at the center of every episode trying to sort his family out, he’s the problem solver, therefore in the middle of everything,” says Joseph Ward. 3.36pm: Over on ITV, James Bond is wearing a dinner jacket. And something’s just gone BANG. 3.34pm: “In response to Niall Mullen’s false advertising claim, my girlfriend says, ‘not in people’s hearts it didn’t’,” parps Andrew Dean. STOP PRESS! ANDREW DEAN’S GOT A GIRLFRIEND! A CLOCKWATCH READER HAS A GIRLFRIEND! 3.33pm: Swansea sound like Arsenal Lite. Plenty of dominance, possession and chances but nothing to show for it yet. GOAL! Everton 0-1 QPR (Smith, 31 min): Tommy Smith curls the ball past Tim Howard from the edge of the area and QPR have their first goal in the Premier League since 1996! Who saw this one coming? 3.30pm: This may be an Oldie but is Goldfinger the greatest Bond Theme of all time?” asks Billy Murphy. I beg to differ . GOAL! Brighton 1-0 Blackpool (Mackail-Smith, 29 min): A header from Mackail-Smith gives the hosts the lead. Brighton in the Premier League? They couldn’t, could they? GOAL! Reading 0-1 Barnsley (Foster, 28 min): “Well done Barnsley!” says Sky Commentating Man, because that’s not at all patronising. GOAL! Aston Villa 2-0 Blackburn (Heskey, 25 min): You know you’re in trouble when dep’t. Apparently a fantastic goal. This time Agbonlahor is the provider, holding off Salgado, before rolling it across to Heskey, who beats Robinson in clincal fashion. I know! 3.24pm: An ad break on Soccer Saturday. Goldfinger’s nearly on though. “Malcolm was the 3rd of 5 children (Francis, Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, Jamie) and many of his problems stemmed from being the overlooked middle child,” says Niall Mullen. “Of more concern is the flagrant false advertising of the film “The Never Ending Story”. Running time 102 minutes.” But Jamie wasn’t around at the start of the series. GOAL! Nottingham Forest 0-2 Leicester (Fernandes, 21 min): Oh Schteve! Forest’s defending is a hot disgrace. 3.22pm: Fantasy Football’s Leighton Baines hits the underside of the bar with a free-kick! QPR are hanging on. GOAL! Southampton 1-0 Millwall (Guly do Prado, 18 min): This Southampton lot aren’t half bad, are they? It’s like the days of Marian Parhars never ended. GOAL! Nottingham Forest 0-1 Leicester (Nugent, 18 min): David Nugent scores against the team managed by the genius who gave him his England bow . There’s gratitude for you. GOAL! Hull 0-1 Crystal Palace (Jermaine Easter, 15 min): At Deepdale, Phil Brown chuckles. 3.16pm: “Don’t want to point out the obvious but Malcolm was the main character, so while Reese was also ‘in the middle’ he wasn’t the main character so naming it ‘Reese in the middle’ wouldn’t be appropriate unless it was about Reese,” says Etienne Michelet. Yes, but then what’s so significant about him being in the middle? At Villa Park, David Dunn has aimed a sly kick at Luke Young, who was presumably casting aspersions about his acting skills. 3.15pm: “Nice and smooth football,” says Charlie Nicholas, who’s watching Swansea v Wigan. No goals though. No goals. 3.13pm: “Every Saturday it is the same,” says a melancholy Richard Woods. “I settle down to listen to the game (Macclesfleld vs the Mighty Gas, since you ask) on the club page, while following the bigger clubs on Clockwatch and every Saturday the commentary “isn’t available”, presumably because worldwide hordes of other football famms who can’t get to the game regulalrly have subscribed to their team’s live commentary and got there first. Through dogged perseverance, I usuallly get some of the game, but it’s really annoying having to go through this lot every single week. Am I the only one or are there others out there suffering? And if you are reading, Bristol Rovers FC, sort it out!” GOAL! Aston Villa 1-0 Blackburn (Agbonlahor, 12 min): Steve Kean pours himself a stiff drink as Agbonlahor holds off several weak Blackburn challenges, cuts in from the left and scores his first goal since April. Blackburn are so going down. 3.09pm: Goldfinger’s on ITV in 20 minutes! Will he win? Find out soon. 3.08pm: At Goodison Park, Everton feel they should have a penalty after Connolly barged into Rodwell in the area. No dice. GOAL! Derby 1-0 Doncaster (Zinedine Kilbane, 6 min): Doncaster’s terrible start to the season continues as Kilbane heads in from a corner. “Maybe ‘Malcolm, Along With the Other Members of His Family, Gets in the Middle of Several Unfortunate but Predictable Scenarios’ was deemed a bit long,” says Eamonn Maloney. GOAL! Burnley 1-0 Cardiff (Austin, 2 min): Charlie Austin bullets a header in to give Burnley the lead and Cardiff’s early momentum has rather disappeared. 3.02pm: To my left, Barry Glendenning is leaning back, both feet plonked on his desk. It’s that sort of day in here. At the Liberty Stadium, Swansea have started very well, but Graham has missed a very presentable chance to put them ahead, snatching at a cross from Routledge. 3.01pm: Not that we’d know on Sky Sports News. They’re still on an ad break. Does football happen when they’re showing an advert? “Apparently QPR’s squad was decimated by a virus,” says Andrew Kelly. “Campbell & Bothroyd out, Connolly & Taarabt start but are ill. Expect Everton to get a cricket score.” Is Kieron Dyer ok? 3pm: Peep! Peep Peep Peep! We’re off. “Is Malcolm not at least the middle child of those that still live at home?” asks Ade Cooper. “Or perhaps it’s a metaphorical middle, where Malcolm acts as the ego, caught between the id of the other children and the super-ego of the parents?” Well yes, but that doesn’t make him the middle child. I’m not having it. Your other explanation is more plausible though. Bob Mortimer’s being interviewed on Soccer Saturday. Nah. “Toon went and won, Arsenal are having their implosion early this year (cunning plan so they can be safe in knowledge it won’t happen as a title challenge is mounting perhaps?) and now the rest of the games…are less interesting, oh dear, might switch over to goldfinger at half past,” says Oliver Lewis. Goldfinger, you say… So Liverpool are about to win at Arsenal for the first time since 2000. Do you remember who got the goal? Malcolm in the Middle chat here. “To the point,” says Tom Jenkins, getting straight to it. Malcolm in the Middle. He’s not the youngest kid. He’s not the oldest kid. He’s in the middle.” Yes, but that applies to Reese as well. Today’s team news. All for you. Aston Villa v Blackburn Aston Villa (4-4-2): Given; Young, Dunne, Collins, Warnock; N’Zogbia, Delph, Petrov, Agbonlahor; Bent, Heskey. Subs: Guzan, Ireland, Albrighton, Delfouneso, Makoun, Clark, Bannan. Blackburn (4-4-2): Robinson; Salgado, Nelsen, Hanley, Olsson; Hoilett, Dunn, Nzonzi, Pedersen; Goodwillie, Roberts. Subs: Bunn, Formica, Petrovic, Rochina, Blackman, Ribeiro, Lowe. Referee: Stuart Attwell (Warwickshire) Everton v QPR Everton (4-4-1-1): Howard; Neville, Jagielka, Distin, Baines;, Barkley, Heitinga, Rodwell, Osman; Cahill; Beckford. Subs: Mucha, Hibbert, Saha, Arteta, Fellaini, Vellios, Anichebe. QPR (4-4-1-1): Kenny; Orr, Hall, Gabbidon, Connolly; Buzsaky, Derry, Faurlin, Smith; Taarabt; Agyemang. Subs: Murphy, Bothroyd, Gorkss, Perone, Moen, Ephraim, Andrade. Referee: Kevin Friend (Leicestershire) Swansea v Wigan Swansea (4-2-3-1): Vorm; Rangel, Caulker, Williams, Taylor; Agustien, Britton; Routledge, Dyer, Sinclair; Graham. Subs: Moreira, Tate, Dobbie, Lita, Moore, Allen, Gower. Wigan (4-5-1): Al Habsi; Boyce, Caldwell, Alcaraz; Figueroa, Diame, Watson, Gomez, McCarthy, Moses; Di Santo. Subs: Pollitt, Thomas, McArthur, Sammon, Jones, Rodallega, Stam. Referee: Phil Dowd (Staffordshire) Take what we can get dep’t: “Newcastle are top of the league,” says a rather desperate Ben Monk. “Can we follow the Fiver’s lead and STOP FOOTBALL now please, and give us the trophy?” An email! “My commiserations on the wasps, I’m sure this tale of my childhood will cheer you up/fill you with horror,” offers Andrew Booth. “I was about 10 and staying in a small country hotel in the south of England with my family. I awoke to a wasps sting on my hand about 6 in the morning, and another as I tried to move my hand from under the blankets. I pulled back the blanket a bit to see what was happening to find the sheets filled with wasps. There was a nest under the bed and they’d joined me in the night. I nearly went mad, but managed to get my hand out without any further stings and ring my parents room. In the end the hotel’s housekeeper had to hoover the wasps out from the sheets before I could get out of bed. I think I was stung about 10 times. I still wake up sometimes in the night with phantom stings. On the football front, I’m watching the arse/pool game in Spanish on the internets. Every time the ball comes to Frimpong the commentator sings his name. It’s quite joyous to listen to.” Well that’s my sleep ruined tonight. We’ve got a big bumper set of games today for you. Oh yes. Three whole matches start in the Premier League at 3pm! Why, Richard Scudamore, you spoil us. So welcome to the Premier League, QPR and Swansea. This is your future Is it all you hoped and dreamed it would be? Maybe not. Both of them lost 4-0 in their opening games last week, although Swansea had more of an excuse, seeing as they were Sergio Agueroed, while QPR were Muambad. It doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, does it? I mentioned last week that QPR are my local team – though not my team – so I had a quick look at tickets for a game in the near future. £50 (Fifty pounds!)! To watch Shaun Derry. And DJ Campbell. And Jay Bothroyd. £50! But things are starting to look up for QPR, what with Tony Fernandes having become their new owner. The preposterous pair of Bernie Ecclestone and Flavio Briatore are out. Neil Warnock’s backed. Kieron Dyer’s still injured though. Fernandes is rich, he isn’t a miracle worker. What Everton would give for one of those though. Or just a new signing really. Bring your boots to Goodison Park, you may get a game. So QPR lost 4-0 at home to Bolton, and Swansea suffered the same fate at Manchester City. Perhaps it’s merely an echo of Sunderland’s 4-0 defeat at Chelsea on the opening day in 1999, and they went on to finish 7th, Kevin Phillips helping himself to 30 goals. Swansea won’t be emulating Peter Reid’s side and Danny Graham won’t be emulating Phillips, but there was enough in their opening 30 minutes at City to suggest they have enough to stay up. Which will become an achievable target if they win games like Wigan at home. This should be an attractive one, featuring two sides who want to get the ball down and play. Roberto Martinez returns to the Liberty Stadium as well, having initially laid the foundations for Brendan Rodgers to succeed. At Villa Park, it’s meh v meh Aston Villa v Blackburn. Let’s hope no one spikes Steve Kean’s water bottle before he names his team. We’ll also be keeping an eye on the Championship. At the City Ground, Steve McClaren and Sven-Goran Eriksson can debate who’s more unpopular in this country while Nottingham Forest and Leicester, who have both had underwhelming starts, take each other on, while Southampton and Brighton are both looking to maintain their 100% starts. It’s Millwall and Blackpool for them respectively. I’ve had a terrible week by the way. A wasps nest outside my room, you see. Stung on the leg at 5am. Stung on the foot at 8am. It’s been a little bit like this. Why did they call it Malcolm in the Middle? It could just as easily have been Reese in the Middle. Maybe it should have been called Malcolm’s Musings. There, that’s the burning issues of the day all covered in full for you. My headphones today have a microphone in them as well, which means I look a bit like PB . Not that there’s anything wrong with looking like that perma-tanned Mourinho tribute act. Premier League Championship League One League Two Jacob Steinberg guardian.co.uk

Posted by on August 20, 2011. Filed under News, Politics, World News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.