Saturday clockwatch | Jacob Steinberg

• Turn on our auto-refresh tool for the latest updates • Email jacob.steinberg.casual@guardian.co.uk for a chat • Follow all the games with our live scores service • Follow Jacob on Twitter if that’s your thing 4.33pm: Has anyone ever sported a head of silver hair more imperiously than Ted Danson? 4.32pm: “Does Paul Scharner do the T-shirt and hair thing so we don’t get him mixed up with Novak Djokovic?” asks Gary Naylor. “Can we be sure they are not the same person? After all, Novak has form .” 4.29pm: What is going on at Leicester? They have just gone 3-0 down at home to Millwall. Liam Feeney with the goal, we hear. And Aaron McLean has equalised at the KC Stadium, making it Hull 2-2 Watford. “Hull City sacked Phil Brown 18 months ago. It’s been going pretty well under Nigel Pearson actually, but I guess he’s not good journo fodder,” says Jonathan Hopkin, who sadly doesn’t know a light-hearted yarn when he sees one. 4.28pm: Ginger Dave has made it Portsmouth 2-1 Doncaster . 4.26pm: The mystery is explained. Stelling’s vidiprinter is broken! He is bereft. I smell sabotage. 4.25pm: This is bizarre. Charlie Nicholas was talking about Newcastle v Wigan and in the background I swear I just heard Jeff Stelling say “I’m in trouble.” What the? 4.23pm: I have been watching the clock these last five minutes. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Ticktockticktockticktockticktockticktock TICKTOCKTICKTOCKTOCKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKBLOODYTOCK. Cardiff have gone 4-1 up against Barnsley. 4.18pm: Watford are back in front away to Hull and lead 2-1! Chris Iwelumo rises highest at the far post and nods into the Hull net. Teach them to sack Phil Brown. 4.17pm: Jordan Rhodes has a hat-trick for Huddersfield against Preston, who are 3-0 down. Rhodes now has 13 goals in his last five games . Wow. Coventry have opened the scoring at home to Burnley through Cody McDonald. GOAL! Aston Villa 1-2 West Brom (Scharner, 57 min): The ever-reliable Paul Scharner hooks in a volley from Chris Brunt’s outswinging corner. The goal had been coming, Villa’s 10 men being made to look increasingly ragged. Scharner celebrates by showing off the West Brom t-shirt which so riled Mick McCarthy last week. West Brom haven’t won at Villa Park since 1979. 4.14pm: So just how long is this Crystal Palace surge going to go on for? They’ve only gone and taken the lead through Paddy McCarthy at Ipswich, the defender heading in from Sean Scannell’s free-kick. It’s Ipswich 0-1 Crystal Palace . 4.12pm: And what do you know, Middlesbrough go straight up the other end, Justin Hoyte crosses and Marvin Emnes heads home. It’s Middlesbrough 2-0 Derby . The hosts will go second. At the Phil Brown Memorial Stadium, Matty Fryatt has made it Hull 1-1 Watford . 4.11pm: 15-year-old Mason Bennett has been denied a goal on his debut for Derby by a fine save from Middlesbrough’s goalkeeper Luke Steele, who has a heart of stone. Well done, he’s only 15 . 4.08pm: Steve Claridge, 87, has scored on his debut for Gosport Borough in the FA Trophy. Wigtown, Keith scoring for Keith, Claridge … what an afternoon. Who needs the Premier League? 4.07pm: Hatem Ben Arfa has come on for Newcastle in a bid to liven things up. 4.06pm: “Come on, surely there’s enough hyperbole in football as there is,” says Mark Guthrie. “A torn shoelace does not a pair of broken shoes make. Any good cobblers, Clarks, or even supermarkets nowadays carry good quality shoelaces that could save those brogues from the scrap heap. Take heart good man, your saturday could improve.” Worst aspect of this story is that the shoes aren’t even mine. 4.05pm: 45 minutes more of this and then it’s Saturday night. Your plans? “Come on dude, U2 rock (in every sense!) and Beautiful Day is still the best recent football-linked song (er, quite the accolade),” says Ryan Dunne. “Their best work will surely outlast all the views and tunes of those who view this as an unironic lifestyle guide! And Achtung Baby, one of the most seminal albums of the last twenty years, is the equal or superior to the best of REM or Radiohead!” I know you’re not being serious. 4.02pm: It would appear that Chris Herd’s red card for Villa was for a stamp on Jonas Olsson. “Good on Simon Gillett,” says Niall Mullen. “I think that might Mach 3 goals he has now scored for Donny.” Back in 10 minutes. Until then. Half time: Bolton 0-0 Sunderland. I forgot this game was going on. 3.49pm: Blimey. Darius Henderson has his second and it’s Leicester 0-2 Millwall. He’s doubled his account for the season. Poor old Sven. Half time: Newcastle 0-0 Wigan. Half time: Aston Villa 1-1 West Brom. 3.48pm: West Brom are threatening to run away with this now. Peter Odemwingie has the ball in the Villa net, but the whistle blows for a very marginal offside against the Nigerian striker. 3.47pm: Wigtown are 9-0 down at home to Stranraer. Middlesbrough lead Derby 1-0 thanks to Rhys Williams’ strike. GOAL! Aston Villa 1-1 West Brom (Olsson, 45 min): Villa’s 10 men are unable to hold on, as Olsson heads the equaliser for West Brom a corner. Both sides have reasons to be very upset indeed with Phil Dowd’s performance. At least he’s not biased. 3.44pm: Kevin Phillips shows his class with a glorious equaliser for Blackpool against Forest. “Gillet: the net this man can get?” offers Observer scribe Jamie Jackson, whose P45 is being drafted as we speak. 3.43pm: STOP FOOTBALL. THERE IS NOWHERE LEFT TO GO FROM HERE. Cammy Keith has scored for Keith. 3.42pm: “Enjoying today’s hot clock action, Jacob, but I have a question: is it acceptable to listen to Coldplay whilst doing so, or are they too uncool for a Guardian-hosted service?” asks Ryan Dunne. “They do, in one’s defence, have some catchy tunes, and a song actually called Clocks. They’re not as good as U2 though.” As good at U2 at what? Because you can’t be talking about doing music. 3.40pm: The Steve Cotterill honeymoon shows no sign of ending. It’s Blackpool 0-1 Nottingham Forest thanks to a close-range header from Wes Morgan. “How’re you enjoying your saturday so far?” asks Mark Guthrie. I broke some shoes this morning, so I’ve had better. Tore the shoelaces by mistake. “I’m watching the Newcastle vs Wigan game (as a Newcastle fan). Like so often this season Gutierrez and Obertan get into promising positions yet fail to deliver anything that could be considered a decent opportunity. It’s got me thinking, yet again. Are there any other teams with a pair of wingers who look so dangerous, so potentially formidable, that get into the final third of the pitch and look as effective as a second hand condom at a bed of nails convention.” 3.39pm: The comeback is off! Aron Gunnarsson has made it Cardiff 3-1 Barnsley . The upsets keep on coming in the Championship as James Chester’s own goal makes it Hull 0-1 Watford . 3.38pm: Ah, but Daniel Drinkwater has made it Cardiff 2-1 Barnsley . The comeback is on! 3.37pm: There’s a shock on the cards at the Walkers Stadium, where it’s Leicester 0-1 Millwall after Darius Henderson’s penalty. Joe Mason has also made it Cardiff 2-0 Barnsley . 3.36pm: Chris Brunt puts his penalty wide for West Brom! Justice, apparently, done. No one knows what the penalty was for or why Chris Herd was sent off. 3.34pm: Incredible scenes at Villa Park! Phil Dowd has awarded West Brom a penalty for a foul by Richard Dunne on Jonas Olsson and has then sent off Chris Herd for … well, no one knows. Villa are down to 10 men. 3.34pm: “Chance!” parps Charlie Nicholas. “Gooooo-ooohhhh what a save.” Al-Habsi makes a fantastic save from Leon Best at St James’ Park. 3.32pm: No goals at Bloomfield Road, but Alan McInally is very excited that the sun is shining. He is Scottish, I suppose. 3.28pm: WARNING! PUN-FREE ZONE Simon Gillett booms a marvellous volley into the Portsmouth net from a John Oster corner to equalise for Doncaster at Fratton Park. Don’t start. WALK AWAY FROM THE PUN 3.27pm: Wigtown are proving a draw. “Wigtown & Bladnoch v Stranraer,” muses Sean Flynn. “Big local derby there Jacob. Sort of. And I say big, needless to say I’d never heard of W&B before you mentioned them. I bloody love fitba me.” 3.26pm: “W&B’s team name would be improved even further if the odd typo changed Bladnoch so it was Wigtown and Baldnog,” says Robin Hazlehurst. “Sounds like a children’s story, ‘Wigtown and the Bald Noggin’ or somesuch.” With John Madejski as the kindly town mayor? 3.24pm: I haven’t seen what happened, but apparently the tackle from Alan Hutton which led to Shane Long going off was very poor and perhaps should have been a straight red card. As it was, he didn’t get booked – but has since been cautioned for another foul. Given that the penalty was apparently a bit iffy, West Brom will be fuming. GOAL! Aston Villa 1-0 West Brom (Bent pen, 23 min): Darren Bent sends Foster the wrong way from the spot to give Villa the lead and make up for his earlier miss. 3.21pm: Things go from bad to worse for West Brom, a mix-up from Reid and Foster leading to the goalkeeper fouling Agbonlahor. Villa have a penalty. 3.20pm: Shane Long has gone off injured for West Brom and Somen Tchoyi is on for him. That’s a big blow for West Brom, who are struggling for goals this season. They’ve managed seven in total. Oh Roy. 3.18pm: There’s a Scottish team called Wigtown & Bladnoch. They’re losing 6-0 at home to Stranraer, but they take the prize for the best team name in all of football. They could have sponsored Liverpool last season. 3.17pm: Wigan are continuing to create chances against Newcastle, and Rodallega has just blazed wide of the near post. Newcastle’s unbeaten record is ever so slightly under threat here. 3.15pm: Albion have scored … against Arbroath. Boom! Gotcha! At Villa Park, it’s still 0-0. 3.13pm: Big news. It’s Peterhead 1-0 Nairn County. There’s no stopping Martin Bavidge. 3.11pm: Cardiff lead 1-0 against Barnsley thanks to Kenneth Miller’s typically calm finish. They’ll not be troubling the play-offs though. 3.09pm: 15-year-old Mason Bennett is yet to have a touch for Derby. MASON BENNETT IS IN CRISIS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MASON BENNETT? 3.08pm: The Blackpool midfield is made up of McManaman and Ince, conjuring memories of the glorious Liverpool 1999 vintage and the Evans-Houllier duopoly. 3.06pm: Wigan have started very confidently at Newcastle and could have had a penalty, while Rodallega has also brought the best out of Tim Krul. 3.05pm: Darren Bent, £24m, has missed a sitter for Aston Villa. “Re Wolves, crowds, like mobs, don’t do nuance,” says Gary Naylor. “If football wanted nuanced opinions from fans, they’d all be set up like AFC Wimbledon instead of being set up like News Corporation.” 3.03pm: No goals yet in the top flight. Maybe the beancounters can make it compulsory for teams to score in order to improve the Premier League brand. Meanwhile managerless Portsmouth lead 1-0 against Doncaster thanks to Luke Varney. 3.01pm: Over on Sky Sports Two, Mick McCarthy has just been asked what he thought the reason was for Wolves’ comeback earlier. “Not telling,” was his forthright answer. Still, not as amusing as Rafa Benitez being “focused on training and coaching my team”. 3pm: Peep! “By Wolves fans disgracing themselves, do you mean their calling for the head of Mick McCarthy?” asks Gary Naylor. “A tad premature, I agree, but it’s not always wrong for fans to demand change in the management or the boardroom. For every club that sticks with a manager and sees better days as a result, there are those who stick with a manager and go down. As an Evertonian, I know that the board left it to the very last minute to replace Walter Smith ten seasons ago with David Moyes who saved the club from the fate that befell Sheffield United, Sheffield Wednesday, Leeds United and many, many more clubs who have found Premier League status hard to recover once lost.” Did you hear them though? There’s voicing displeasure and then there’s downright nastiness. At the Riverside, Derby have named Mason Bennett up front. His age? 15 years and 99 days. The club had to get the permission of his mum and school to play. I note Wolves fans have disgraced themselves in their draw with Swansea . What a shower. Get your team news here. Fresh off the wires. Smell the copy! Feel the paste! Aston Villa v West Brom Aston Villa: Given; Hutton, Collins, Dunne, Warnock; Herd, Petrov, Bannan, N’Zogbia; Bent, Agbonlahor. Subs: Guzan, Ireland, Albrighton, Delfouneso, Heskey, Clark, Cuellar. West Brom: Foster; Reid, McAuley, Olsson, Jones; Brunt, Mulumbu, Scharner, Thomas; Odemwingie, Long. Subs: Fulop, Tchoyi, Morrison, Shorey, Gera, Dawson, Cox. Referee: Phil Dowd (Staffordshire) Bolton v Sunderland Bolton: Jaaskelainen; Boyata, Cahill, Wheater, Robinson; Eagles, Reo-Coker, Pratley, Petrov; K. Davies, Ngog. Subs: Bogdan, Sanli, Gardner, Knight, Mark Davies, Klasnic, Kakuta. Sunderland: Mignolet; O’Shea, Brown, Turner, Richardson; Larsson, Colback, Vaughan, Sessegnon; Wickham, Bendtner. Subs: Westwood, Bardsley, Cattermole, Gardner, Ji, Meyler, Elmohamady. Referee: Mike Jones (Cheshire) Newcastle v Wigan Newcastle: Krul; Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor; Obertan, Cabaye, Tiote, Gutierrez; Best, Ba. Subs: Harper, Santon, Ben Arfa, Perch, Smith, Marveaux, Shola Ameobi. Wigan: Al Habsi; Boyce, Alcaraz, Caldwell, Figueroa; Jones, Watson, Diame, Moses; Rodallega, Crusat. Subs: Pollitt, Thomas, Maloney, Gomez, McArthur, Sammon, Lopez. Referee: Neil Swarbrick (Lancashire) Enjoy this while there’s still time. By, let’s say, 2013 matches of this nature in the Premier League will be rendered utterly irrelevant when those poindexters in the boardrooms work out the way to avoid their own incompetence having any consequence is to just get rid of relegation. Kids, struggling with your homework? Just don’t do it! Can’t be bothered to do your tax return? Just don’t do it! Life is so much simpler this way. Sure, English football will be shorn of inconsequential matter such as competitiveness, sporting interest and relevance, but who cares about things like that when there’s money to be made? People who need to get with the programme and engage in some blue-sky thinking, that’s who. But for now, this bumper Premier League programme, replete with three whole games, matters. Perhaps the biggest game of the afternoon comes at the Reebok Stadium, where 18th meets 17th. Only goal difference is keeping Sunderland above Owen Coyle’s Bolton, who got back to winning ways last week at Wigan (and more of them later), while Steve Bruce’s side were unfortunate to lose to Matt Le Tissier Robin van Persie. They’ve been dreadful this season though, have the Mackems, and the last time I watched them play they were comprehensively outdone by Norwich City. It’s difficult to pinpoint where it’s all going wrong: the squad is relatively strong and money has been spent – which means at times like these, you start to look at the manager. Bolton have had a terrible start as well, but because of their difficult run of games, we’ll only really know how their season will pan out after the next month or so. Just to compound Sunderland’s misery, Newcastle are having a whale of a time. Fourth place, unbeaten and playing some great stuff, expect that to continue against Wigan today. Wigan have managed one win all season and that was against QPR, when Franco di Santo of all people scored twice. A once-in-a-lifetime achievement at the same time as a once-in-a-season achievement? The way they’re going, you wouldn’t be surprised. The final game is between Aston Villa, who are doing a stand-up job of existing this season, and West Brom, who are managed by Liverpool favourite Roy Hodgson. It’s sunny by the way, so… Now then, in time this won’t matter, etc etc and so on and I’m repeating myself now. But there’s a few big games in the Championship as well featuring teams hoping to win promotion to the Premier League while they still can. At Portman Road, rising force Ipswich Town (the best Championship side I’ve seen this season) take on Crystal Palace, whose youngsters are worth keeping an eye on, though not in a sinister way. A win for either side could take them second, though they’ll be dependent on affairs at the Riverside, where Middlesbrough face Derby County, a match that has a real late-90s-early-noughties Premier League feel about it. Third v fourth there, only goal difference separating them. The leaders Southampton don’t play at Reading until 5.20pm – they’re five points clear at the moment, so this is a chance to eat into the gap. The Championship is ludicrous. Birmingham are 16th and are seven points off second place. Premier League Jacob Steinberg guardian.co.uk

Posted by on October 22, 2011. Filed under News, Politics, World News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.