How can I increase her sex drive?

Help her connect with her sexual side by meeting her needs, complimenting her and taking her out, advises Pamela Stephenson Connolly I’m a 34-year-old man, married for 18 months. Early in our marriage, sex was better. My drive is high and I like variety, including anal sex, but my wife doesn’t have such a high sex drive. After climaxing once she usually doesn’t get excited again. Since she doesn’t have much desire I’ve started to feel uneasy about approaching her. We love each other very much, but at this point we are different and I’m trying to adjust to having less sex. How can I make her excited about a second or third round in the same night? A mismatch in sexual desire between partners can create sadness and tension, but this is often temporary. You haven’t mentioned children, or what work your wife does either inside or outside the home, but very often lowered desire is a natural effect of childbearing or of tiredness and stress due to work, or family issues. Worrying about money, in-laws, or caring for elderly relatives can also make a woman feel that having sex is the last thing she feels like doing. Your sexual wishes require high energy and stamina – your wife may currently see this as yet another chore at the end of a tough day. Schedule sex earlier in the day, and find ways to help alleviate her tiredness or stress and you may notice a big difference in her desire (some women say it’s highly arousing when men take out the rubbish!). Help her to reconnect with her sexual side by paying attention to what pleases her sexually, giving her compliments, taking her out, and treating her like a precious lover – even when you’re not in bed. • Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. • Email your problem to private.lives@guardian.co.uk Sex Relationships Pamela Stephenson Connolly guardian.co.uk

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