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Kate McCann had suicide thoughts

Kate McCann writes of how at times she wanted to swim out to sea and ‘let the water relieve me of this torment’ Kate McCann has revealed that she was plagued with depression and suicidal thoughts following the abduction of her daughter Madeleine in Portugal four years ago. In a new book chronicling Madeleine’s disappearance and the toll it took on her and her husband, Gerry, McCann also writes of her pain at being branded “a cold, emotionless woman” because of the public face she put on during the investigation. “It’s quite frightening when I see myself in those early days,” she writes. “To me I look incredibly fragile and confused and lost.” Despite appearing to be brave and composed, she says, she was on the verge of a breakdown. “I had an overwhelming urge to swim out across the ocean, as hard and as fast as I could; to swim and swim and swim until I was so far out and so exhausted I could just allow the water to pull me under and relieve me of this torment,” she writes. “I wasn’t keeping that desire to myself, either. I was shouting it out to anyone who happened to be in the room. Both this urge and the expression of it were, I suppose, an outlet for the crucifying anguish. “Somehow, inflicting physical pain on myself seemed to be the only possible way of escaping my internal pain.” McCann also reveals that she was tormented by “a macabre slide show of vivid pictures in my brain” as she tried to imagine what might have happened to her three-year-old daughter. “I was crying out that I could see Madeleine lying, cold and mottled, on a big grey stone slab. Looking back, seeing me like this must have been terrible for my friends and relatives, particularly my parents, but I couldn’t help myself.” In excerpts from the book, Madeleine – published in the Sunday Times – McCann revisits the night of her daughter’s abduction from the Portuguese resort of Praia da Luz. “I ran out into the car park of our holiday apartment, flying from end to end, yelling desperately: ‘Madeleine! Madeleine!’ It was so cold and so windy. I kept picturing her in her short-sleeved Marks & Spencer Eeyore pyjamas and feeling how chilled she would be. “Fear was shearing through my body … Even now, when the dark clouds close in on me, I find myself shaking my head manically and repeating over and over again: ‘Not Madeleine, not Madeleine. Please, God, not my Madeleine.’” The McCanns want the British government to urge the Portuguese authorities to review the case and have written the book to raise money for the Find Madeleine campaign. Madeleine McCann Portugal Crime Sam Jones guardian.co.uk

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Quotes: Hillary Clinton Explains Her Supposed Gasp in Situation Room Photo

“I am somewhat sheepishly concerned that it was my preventing one of my early spring allergic coughs. So, it may have no great meaning whatsoever.” –HILLARY CLINTON, Secretary of State, explaining her stunned appearance and covered gasp in the tense Situation Room last Sunday as she watched the raid on Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan compound.

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Open Thread with The Professional Left Weekly Podcast: Osama, Obama, and How to be an Effective Liberal

enlarge Credit: The Professional Left Time for your weekly podcast with The Professional Left, otherwise known as our own Driftglass and Bluegal . Link for this episode, our appearance on The Matthew Filipowicz show, at the 9:10 minute marker . You can listen to the archives at http://professionalleft.blogspot.com/ and if you’d like to help them with their fuel costs so they can afford to make it to Netroots Nation this year, there’s a donation button there if you’d like to throw a few bucks in the hat. C & L is still doing our donation drive here if you can afford to help the site keep going and for the upgrades we’ve got coming soon. Have a great weekend everyone and enjoy the podcast.

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May 6, 1945 – Tying Up The Loose Ends In Europe.

enlarge Credit: Life Magazine Refugees fleeing Germany – one of the three armies Post War Europe had to look forward to. Click here to view this media With news of the end of hostilities in Europe hours, if not days away , news was still coming in of fighting continuing in Germany and points East, even as German armies throughout the European theater were surrendering. As this direct report from Paris indicates, complete surrender was only a matter of time and the flood of refugees fleeing Berlin in the wake of advancing Russian armies made clear a new reality about to settle over Europe – the long road back to anything resembling normal. In this fifteen minute newscast, delivered by Paul Manning of Mutual on May 6th 1945, anticipation of U.S. troops coming home was high, and the business of occupation by Allied forces was underway. Another day in May spent waiting for an outcome. If you can, please donate whatever you can and help keep Newstalgia up and running.

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As usual, many discrepancies between the first “official” version of the attack on Osama bin Laden and reality. In this, Al-Jazeera shows the “Obama was living in a mansion” story has no foundation. It’s a large compound, but the interior was actually strewn with garbage: Al Jazeera has obtained new footage of the compound where Osama bin Laden was killed. The pictures show the interiors of the house where the al-Qaeda leader is thought to have been hiding for up to six years. Filmed during daylight hours, there is no doubt that this is the house where bin Laden was shot and killed by US forces, Al Jazeera’s Imtiaz Tyab said, reporting from the compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. It was not immediately clear how long after the raid that the footage was taken. “We can see the exteriors of the house; we see a garden where vegetables were grown. We see an area where animals were being raised – possible clues of how the people who lived within the high walls of this compound managed to sustain themselves with very little interaction with the outside world,” our correspondent said. “These pictures … give a sense of just how Osama bin Laden – the world’s most wanted fugitive – lived relatively undetected right here in Abbottabad.” US forces raided the compound in a covert operation on Sunday, killing bin Laden and four others. The US team then quickly swept the compound for useful intelligence, making off with a cache of computer equipment and documents. Our correspondent said Pakistani forces have been in charge of the house since the US operation. “They, presumably, have taken with them what they deemed important as well,” Tyab said.

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A show in Ai Weiwei’s absence

While Ai Weiwei remains interned by the Chinese authorities, Nicholas Logsdail, director of the Lisson Gallery, talks about a forthcoming exhibition of the artist’s work and his growing influence on the global stage My last conversation with Ai Weiwei took place in January. My colleague Greg Hilty and I went to Beijing for three days to make selections for the forthcoming show at the Lisson Gallery , and we got a sense of great foreboding from him. He had been placed under house arrest in November and had subsequently been released, but he was already worried about whether he’d get out of the country. He had all these commitments abroad – in Berlin, in New York, and with us in London – and he was very concerned about fulfilling them. There was a discussion then about whether we should do the show now or delay it for a year so that he could produce an entirely new body of work. We decided to go ahead because there was an urgency to it, due to his situation at home, and we wanted to give a London audience a sense of the range of his work and the thinking behind it. In my opinion, Ai Weiwei is one of the major artists of the early 21st century. My gallery avoided the gold rush for Chinese art in the boom years because, in my experience, it’s almost always a false premise to group artists together by generation or nationality. What’s important is the quality of the individual artist, and it was clear to us that Ai Weiwei stood apart. He’s not just the most important Chinese artist of his generation but a truly international figure. His work is a very interesting blend of traditionalism and liberalism, with a revolutionary bent. He has an outspoken nature, which is what has got him into trouble, but my reading is that his primary impulse is less to overturn society than to improve it. He is unwilling to keep quiet in the face of ignorance and prejudice and he speaks out against injustice wherever he finds it. I’ve met him on a number of occasions over the last couple of years. When we were preparing for the show, I found him to be highly practical and thoroughly professional. He is a serious man of few words but he has an ironic sense of humour. He’s also a big guy, physically, with a barrel chest and a commanding presence. We had some very interesting conversations about the time he spent living in New York in considerable hardship. He was an exile, partly by choice, partly out of necessity because of his family’s political problems in China. It was a gestation period, a time of growth. He was taking stock of the bigger world and putting his house in order, as an artist and an intellectual. He may not think of himself as an intellectual, but I would certainly describe him as one. Although he can be irrational himself, he despises irrationality and tries to give a clear and logical approach to the issues that are important to him. He’s committed and idealistic, and unaccepting of injustice to the point of self-denial – allowing himself to get into this position is surely a form of self-denial. All the arrangements for the show had been made before his arrest, but it feels rotten putting it on in his absence. We’ve been praying, metaphorically speaking, that some news of his whereabouts would break, but nothing has: it’s been total silence since his detention. The outpouring of respect and admiration for him, his honesty, his bravery – maybe you could say his foolhardiness as well – have been completely astonishing. Many other artists have shown their solidarity, including Anish Kapoor who has dedicated his forthcoming Grand Palais show in Paris to Ai Weiwei. The best we can do now is to maintain our support for him and keep up the pressure. It’s crucial that all the planned projects go ahead – his work is also showing in New York and, from next week, at Somerset House in London. How do we put ourselves into the heads of the Chinese authorities who are responsible for his arrest? How do we reach them? What is it that we need to say to them? In arresting Ai Weiwei, I believe they have failed to understand what it means to be an artist. They have failed to be culturally aware. He is exactly the kind of person they should have onside. He’s actually much more dangerous now, under arrest, than he ever was before. I think he is a great global cultural ambassador for the new China, but this arrest is making China’s new cultural revolution look rather unrevolutionary. They have accused him of tax evasion, bigamy and spreading pornography on the internet, but these charges are clearly trumped up. If you want to nail somebody and put them away for a while, you can probably find dirt on anybody on the planet, let alone a controversial artist like Ai Weiwei. Some people have commented that the Chinese government saw what was going on in north Africa and the Middle East and got nervous. That may well explain his arrest. I am hopeful though – that he’s in a reasonable state and can speak for himself; he’s an intelligent man and should be able to provide arguments for his release. Although of course it’s not going to get you anywhere if you’re talking to a brick wall. What’s so distressing about this situation is that there is no obvious authority that one can appeal to or challenge about what has happened. It’s so sad that this charismatic, larger-than-life, gentle guy has been arrested. I’m deeply upset. I’d get on the next plane to China if I thought there was anything I could do, and I’m sure loads of people feel the same way. We have organised a very different series of events from the ones we had originally planned. Alongside the show, we will have a press conference and then a big open party to celebrate Ai Weiwei’s work. We will also have a moment of silence to remember his situation, although until he is released I don’t think it is going to be far from anyone’s mind. Ai Weiwei Art guardian.co.uk

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It looks like Wisconsin Republicans are getting a bit nervous about the possibility they may lose their Senate majority via recalls this year. After a Democrat won a long-held solid Republican seat in a special election last week and ended the Republican supermajority, their legislative calendar has been ramped up. Yahoo! News : Republicans, in a rapid sequence of votes over the next eight weeks, plan to legalize concealed weapons, deregulate the telephone industry, require voters to show photo identification at the polls, expand school vouchers and undo an early release for prisoners . Lawmakers may also act again on Walker’s controversial plan stripping public employee unions of their collective bargaining rights. An earlier version, which led to massive protest demonstrations at the Capitol, has been left in limbo by legal challenges. ” Everything’s been accelerated ,” said Republican Rep. Gary Tauchen, who is working on the photo ID bill. “We’ve got a lot of big bills we’re trying to get done.” And they accused Democrats of being radical? Sounds like it might be time for another trip for some Wisconsin senators out of state.

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The drop in ownership of television sets in America could have a massive impact on the broadcasting industry A new report from Nielsen , the US media ratings firm, conveys some bad news to the broadcast TV networks. Ownership of television sets by US households has fallen for the first time in two decades. Granted, the decline – 96.7% of American households now own sets, down from 98.9% previously – may not seem very much, but there will be many in the industry who will wonder if it’s the faint tremor that presages an earthquake. After all, for as long as most of us can remember, a TV set has been almost as commonplace a piece of domestic kit as a cooker. And television has been the dominant organism in our media ecosystem for just about as long. If that’s changing, then it’s big news and not just for the industry concerned: politics in most western

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The drop in ownership of television sets in America could have a massive impact on the broadcasting industry A new report from Nielsen , the US media ratings firm, conveys some bad news to the broadcast TV networks. Ownership of television sets by US households has fallen for the first time in two decades. Granted, the decline – 96.7% of American households now own sets, down from 98.9% previously – may not seem very much, but there will be many in the industry who will wonder if it’s the faint tremor that presages an earthquake. After all, for as long as most of us can remember, a TV set has been almost as commonplace a piece of domestic kit as a cooker. And television has been the dominant organism in our media ecosystem for just about as long. If that’s changing, then it’s big news and not just for the industry concerned: politics in most western

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‘I’m a presenter who is gay’

The Today anchor on Britain’s lack of identity, being seen as a lightweight – and being papped at the shops You have two new TV programmes coming out. One of them, Business Nightmares , has some amazing cases, doesn’t it? Persil Power, so strong it shredded knickers… One of the programme’s revelations is that all washing powders shred knickers to some degree! In many ways, the most poignant case is Gerald Ratner. His story [in a speech in 1991, he described his company's products as "total crap"] has been told so many times, and it’s funny, but actually it was a big tragedy for him.He lost the business and he tells the tale of having to buy petrol for the car and not knowing what you do. He took years to recover from the shock. I think you can enjoy the horrible stories of the disasters that befall people while nevertheless respecting them for doing stuff. Mistakes are nothing to be ashamed of. If you’re not making some mistakes, it probably means you’re not trying hard enough. What about Made in Britain? That one is about whether Britain has got enough industry. Can we survive without manufacturing? Can we build an economy on services? It’s all bound up with issues of national identity. The Germans are clear about what they do – cars and machine tools; the Japanese are clear about what they do – electronics; the Chinese are clear about what they do – they’re the workshop of the world. We’re less clear and that’s because we’ve moved towards the intangible sectors more than other developed economies. We are a huge net exporter of business and commercial services: insurance and finance, surveying, architecture, legal services, advertising, university education. Is that a good thing? The service sector raises a number of problems. Here’s the nub of it: old industries – manufacturing industries – had lots of good reasons to disperse geographically. You had shipbuilding in Sunderland, steel in South Wales and coal scattered around the country. The new industries are brainy industries and so-called knowledge workers tend to like to be near other people who are the same. Think of the City or Hollywood. People cluster. This means you have winning regions, such as London and Cambridge, and losing regions. The people who want to be top lawyers in Sunderland are hoovered up by London. Is the answer more manufacturing? We have got too little manufacturing, and I’m not saying that out of some romantic idea that mining is good for you or it’s better to make things. There is a strong link between the following three things: exporting, manufacturing and the degree of saving by the population. It’s complicated, but if the population doesn’t save, the economy will not tend to export as much, and if it doesn’t export as much, it won’t manufacture enough. Hang on, what’s saving got to do with it? When a population saves – and the exporting powerhouses, the Germans, Japanese and Chinese do save – what happens is this. First, the companies that operate in those countries where the population are not big spenders are forced to look outside the country to find sales. They become export-oriented. Second, the financial system has more funds, because the population has put its savings there, so it has to be less choosy about who it gives the money to – it can justify capital spending. Britain has been a low-saving nation and has less equipment per worker; we’re less capital intensive. And then, third, is the exchange rate. When a population saves a lot, the funds are invested outside the country as well as inside. If the Japanese invest in the United States, it pushes their exchange rate down and makes their manufacturing more competitive. That is really interesting… What I like about it as a theory is that it puts it back to us. Instead of saying there’s some conspiracy by Margaret Thatcher, it’s been a collective decision. We’ve become a consuming nation; we suck in imports rather than exports; we build shopping centres rather than factories. The consequence is that our manufacturing industry has been too small. As well as making business TV programmes, you’re also a presenter on the Today programme. Were you annoyed that you weren’t in when Osama bin Laden was killed? A little bit. I’m not a jealous person though actually, with Osama, I did think, God, that’s an interesting day to be on. But, in fairness, it was Jim and Justin and I’m modest enough to think, oh well, that’s the best team, as they are American experts. But why did I have to do some godforsaken bank holiday when nothing happens! When you started on Today , some people deemed you lightweight. Do you think you’ve improved? I’m keen not to lose the things that made people say I was lightweight, but I’m also keen not to be seen as lightweight. There would be no point if I became a clone of the others, but equally it would be no good if I was seen as the one who did funny features about walking dogs in the park. Finding that balance isn’t easy. In five years I might have cracked it. Does it annoy you when you’re called a gay presenter? It doesn’t annoy me but I think of myself as a presenter who is gay, rather than a gay presenter. It’s a subtle distinction, but that’s how I view it. I don’t think I’m hugely camp on air. Private Eye did do a funny spoof of me interviewing Peter Mandelson in which it was all, ‘Ooh get her…’ [laughs]. I’m quite proud to be gay; I’m not hiding it. What about when you were photographed in jeans with a biker chain… I was papped! Apparently, I was breaking some hidden Daily Mail sartorial rule that meant I had to dress in a suit to go across the road to get milk. I think the headline was “Please Mr Davis, Won’t You Dress Your Age?”. That phrase – “Please Mr Davis” – is used in our household quite a lot by my partner. “Pleeeease Mr Davis, won’t you do the washing up…” Evan Davis Radio Television Dragons’ Den Gay rights Miranda Sawyer guardian.co.uk

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