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Will you be watching the parade of no-hopers, exceptionally talented ordinary folk, cherubic children and dancing dogs? Britain’s Got Talent in pictures Fans of Britain’s Got Talent can rest easy. Simon Cowell might not be on it anymore (at least not until the final week’s live shows) but the recipe remains the same – dancing dogs, cherubic children, and hilarious no-hopers who presumably know better but recognise a chance to get on TV when they see one. Watching the opening episode of the fifth series, which begins on ITV1 on Saturday, it was hard not to think of two things. One – when will it all end? And two – doesn’t the law of diminishing returns apply to this sort of thing? I only mention this after the first episode opened with a 45-year-old woman doing a chicken dance while blowing tunelessly into a harmonica. Great stuff. Next! There are four categories of contestant on Britain’s Got Talent: no-hopers who turn out to be just that (see above), ordinary-looking folk who turn out to have an exceptional talent (Susan Boyle), children and dogs. How often can this formula be recycled? Lots, reckons ITV, although the audience for last year’s final failed to hit the extraordinary heights of the Boyle-inspired series in 2009. What about this time around? Everyone’s on the lookout for the new Susan Boyle, of course, and the first episode suggested they might have found one. IT engineer Michael Collins, 19, sounded suitably unpromising. Dressed as if he was about to get on a long-haul flight on Easyjet (copyright Amanda Holden/Michael McIntyre) he explained that his fiancee was expecting a baby (“It wasn’t planned”) and he had proposed to her in an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. But in BGT land, gormless invariably equals genius and – guess what? – Collins had them eating out of the back of his guitar. You might well have thought the same of the 53-year-old telecoms engineer from Kendall, the 31-year-old financial analyst who pretended to be a dolphin and the husband and wife bell-ringing act who looked like extras from John Carpenter horror flick Halloween and who – well, that’s enough spoilers for now. But who are the judges tipping to win? Holden chose a young singer but was reluctant to say whether it was a boy or a girl. McIntyre, however, rather gave it away. “At the moment it’s the boy. Er, the boy or a girl!”, while Hasselhoff chose a dancer who “has a handicap and is unbelievable”. McIntyre, introduced by ITV as “one of the funniest men in Britain” almost lived up to the billing and was about 30 times more human than Piers Morgan ever managed. But beyond the obvious novelty factor Hasselhoff may have well have put on his red trunks and run across the stage for all he added (in this first episode at least). But forget about Baywatch – please – is Britain’s Got Talent still must-watch TV? Britain’s Got Talent Television Entertainment Television industry ITV ITV1 John Plunkett guardian.co.uk