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• Press F5 or auto refresh for the latest news • Email rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk • Click here for live, in-running league tables • Get the latest scores from around Europe 3.38pm “Plugging shamelessly,” begins Jonathan Wilson promisingly. “Dennis Bergkamp talks at great length about his first touch for the winner v Argentina in 1998 in Issue One of The Blizzard. You can order it here .” You can and you bloody well should, too. (The great Barry Davies also talks about his commentary for Bergkamp’s goal against Argentina in Issue Two, if Wilson decides its worthy of inclusion.) 3.37pm: Newcastle 1-0 Birmingham (Ameobi 36 pen) Carl Cort gives Newcastle the lead from the penalty spot. 3.36pm Birmingham’s Liam Ridgewell has been sent off for handball on the line at Newcastle, who also have a penalty. In other news, Notts County have equalised at home to Brighton. With Walsall 2-0 down, Notts County look safe at the moment. 3.36pm “I was never Dunc’s biggest fan,” says Jon Gard. “HOWEVER, watching that United goal and celebration has just made my day. Although you’ve also upset me by reminding me the first album I ever got was Now That’s What I Call Music. The first one.” 3.35pm Southampton 2-0 Walsall, Rochester 2-1 Torquay. 3.34pm It’s all happening in Stevenage, and it’s not every day you read that sentence on the Guardian. Nicholas Ajose has equalised for Bury to make it 2-2, but Stevenage are still in the play-off places. 3.33pm Bristol Rovers needed to win by 15 goals at Colchester to have any chance of avoiding relegation to League Two. They are losing 2-0. 3.32pm Southampton lead Walsall 1-0. It doesn’t mean much at the top – Southampton were effectively promoted anyway – but it does at the bottom. If Walsall lose and Dagenham & Redbridge get an equaliser at Peterborough, Walsall will be down. 3.31pm: Everton 0-1 Manchester City (Toure 30) Yaya Toure puts Manchester City ahead at Goodison Park from David Silva’s pass. City are finishing the season strongly, and if they win today they will be only two points behind Arsenal. 3.30pm These are the latest EPL (sic) scores: Aston Villa 1-1 Wigan Bolton 0-0 Sunderland Everton 0-0 Man City Newcastle 0-0 Birmingham West Ham 0-1 Blackburn 3.29pm Ben Strevens has put Wycombe 2-1 ahead against Southend. If they win they will be promoted regardless of what Shrewsbury do at home to Oxford. It’s currently 0-0 there. 3.28pm “Re: Joy of Six first touches,” says Ryan Dunne. “Good God! That Baggio clip is amazing. Take it you’d have Bergkamp and Berbatov in there too?” A gentleman never tells. 3.27pm It’s Carlisle 0-1 Yeovil. This, my scrambled brain is pleased to report, is of no significance whatsoever. 3.23pm “I think I could tell you what’s going on,” lies Edie Richards, “but it would involve a third email, which makes me look sad, and a disingenuous link to my website, to a piece that’s actually about why clever players fail. In short, no-one would come out a winner from it. I’d like to apologise for sending this * *And for the further link I’ve put in the word ‘this’ ” 3.22pm Wycombe have equalised at home to Southend, so they leap back into the League Two promotion places. I think. What day is this? 3.21pm …Stevenage 2-1 Bury… 3.20pm “David Silva had the touch of the season from a crossfield diagonal ball from Kompany,” says Katie McKeown. “I dare you to find an example of better control this year!” So long as you don’t double-dare me. Actually, I really want to write the Joy of Six: first touches. This is number one . 3.18pm It’s now Stevenage 1-1 Bury, and I had no idea what implications that has for League Two or world peace. Ah, it doesn’t mean anything. Stevenage are still in the play-off places, as are Gillingham. Torquay are not. 3.17pm Anthony Grant has given Southend the lead at Wycombe, which is big news in League Two. And it’s also Aston Villa 1-1 Wigan , with Ashley Young scoring a free-kick. That might be his last goal for Villa. So now West Ham are only four points from safety. 3.16pm “The small town nearest me, Kirkintilloch, has multiple nightclubs!” says Ryan Dunne. “Although this might be because it’s called “The Canal Capital of Scotland” and wags invariably deface the second word’s C on the signs. There must be a lot of disappointed tourists (or not).” 3.14pm: WEST HAM 0-1 BLACKBURN (Roberts 13) Oh my. Blackburn have taken the lead at Upton Park, thanks to Jason Roberts. As things stand, West Ham are six points from safety with two games to go . 3.13pm A few vital goals in various leagues: Rotherham 1-0 Torquay, Notts County 0-1 Brighton, Peterborough 1-0 Dagenham & Redbridge. This is going to be a long afternoon for my poor fingers. 3.11pm Poor old Merse. He probably looked at Newcastle v Birmingham and thought he’d be fine for names. Barton, Ferguson, Bowyer, Foster, Taylor, Simpson. Easy. Bring it on. And then Birmingham brought in Jean Beausejour. But seriously, Merse is great, one of the best pundits on TV. 3.10pm: ASTON VILLA 0-1 WIGAN (N’Zogbia 10) This is a surprise for most of us, if not the statisticians. Wigan have never lost at Villa Park, and they lead thanks to a neat finish from the excellent Charles N’Zogbia. 3.09pm A goal! A net-tickler! And it’s an important one as well: Stevenage lead Bury 1-0 . If it stays like that they will be in the League Two play-offs. 3.08pm There hasn’t been a single goal in the Premier League or the Football League yet. Eight minutes multiplied by 30-odd games equals a lot of minutes. What the hell’s going on? 3.07pm Do they still play slow songs at nightclubs? Who is the Celine Dion of 2011? It wouldn’t be the same anyway, what with mobile phones and all. Gone are the days of sheepishly asking the DJ for a pen and paper so you could get someone’s phone number, then waving it around like a moron in front of your mates outside the nightclub, then watching in horror as one of your friends decides to grab the paper and eat it. 3.06pm: SECURITY! Department “Better still, I’ve decided, as everyone I know (two and a half people) has gone out without inviting or even telling me, I’m with you all the way this afternoon,” says Ethan Dean-Richards. “I narrowly missed my foot with a knife a minute ago – who knows where this could take us?* *I suspect I do .” 3.04pm Want to know more about the last day’s inaction in the Championship? Then you know what you have to do . 3.04pm QPR have been fined £865,000 for that funny business everyone has been talking about. They probably won’t care less, as they have been promoted as are currently bathing in crisp £5 notes. 3.03pm On Sky Sports, Phil Thompson is growling about a missed chance for Blackburn at Upton Park, with Morten Gamst Pedersen’s shot deflected wide. 3.02pm “I am working today so have given up my season ticket to Everton and as such am missing the return of Duncan Ferguson to Goodison for the first time since he retired,” says Joe Daly. “I also missed his last ever game where he scored in the last minute. Despite his somewhat erratic behaviour on and off the pitch he was my hero from age nine until 20. So if you can report a few Everton goals and maybe a Lescott sending off I’d appreciate it. I’m hoping they just play this on the big screens when he comes on to the pitch.” Or this , or this , or, best of all, this – which, coincidentally, was an unpopular manoeuvre in certain small-town nightclubs in 1994-95. 3pm It’s all kicking off! 2.58pm “Is it the ultimate put down for the Championship that you’ve linked to the Premier League table, there, Rob, or just something Freudian?” asks Ethan Dean-Richards. “Tee and hee.” Yes, hilarity prevails all right. 2.54pm “Jesus,” says Niall Mullen. “I tuned in to get an update on today’s play and all I got was a belly full of 17-year-old shame to the soundtrack of Celine Dion’s ‘Think Twice’ . You weren’t, er, watching me in 1994-95 were you?” I was slow-dancing with you. You don’t even remember? I can’t believe it meant so little to you. Actually, 1994-95 wasn’t the worst time to have a nine-month nightclub-based aberration. There was some wonderfully naff music around back then. And you haven’t known true romance until you’ve slow danced to this . 2.51pm The Championship season has finished. This is the final table , and the play-off semi-finals will be Swansea v Forest and Cardiff v Reading. You don’t need to have been on Eggheads to work out who North London police will be supporting. Bolton v Sunderland team news Bolton Jaaskelainen, Steinsson, Cahill, Knight, Robinson, Lee, Elmander, Muamba, Taylor, Kevin Davies, Sturridge. Subs: Bogdan, Petrov, Gardner, Klasnic, Moreno, Cohen, Wheater. Sunderland Mignolet, Elmohamady, Onuoha, Ferdinand, Bardsley, Henderson, Colback, Mensah, Malbranque, Zenden, Sessegnon. Subs: Carson, Muntari, Riveros, Knott, Noble, Adams, Lynch. Referee Kevin Friend (Leicestershire) Aston Villa v Wigan team news Aston Villa Friedel, Walker, Collins, Dunne, Luke Young, Downing, Reo-Coker, Petrov, Ashley Young, Bent, Heskey. Subs: Marshall, Pires, Albrighton, Bradley, Delfouneso, Delph, Cuellar. Wigan Al Habsi, Alcaraz, Boyce, Gary Caldwell, Figueroa, Cleverley, McCarthy, Watson, N’Zogbia, Moses, Rodallega. Subs: Kirkland, Gohouri, Thomas, Di Santo, Gomez, McArthur, Sammon. Referee Mike Jones (Cheshire) West Ham v Blackburn team news West Ham Green, Jacobsen, da Costa, Gabbidon, Bridge, Spector, Hitzlsperger, Boa Morte, Sears, Cole, Ba. Subs: Boffin, Tomkins, Collison, Kovac, Hines, Piquionne, Keane. Blackburn Robinson, Emerton, Samba, Givet, Olsson, Nzonzi, Jermaine Jones, Diouf, Pedersen, Hoilett, Roberts. Subs: Bunn, Formica, Andrews, Santa Cruz, Rochina, Mwaruwari, Hanley. Referee Peter Walton (Northamptonshire) 2.26pm A storming goal from David McGoldrick has made it Palace 0-3 Forest . Newcastle v Birmingham team news Newcastle Krul, Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Jose Enrique, Barton, Nolan, Tiote, Gutierrez, Lovenkrands, Ameobi. Subs: Harper, Ryan Taylor, Ranger, Ferguson, Donaldson, Tavernier, Kuqi. Birmingham Foster, Carr, Jiranek, Johnson, Ridgewell, Larsson, Ferguson, Fahey, Bowyer, Beausejour, Jerome. Subs: Doyle, Phillips, Bentley, Derbyshire, Parnaby, Hleb, Davies. Referee Chris Foy (Merseyside) 2.24pm “As I’m sure many other people will be telling you, today is also the day of the Highland League decider, with the noble Buckie Thistle playing at home to retain their title against their fiercest rivals, Deveronvale,” says Mike Cormack. “I’ll keep you posted…” I love Scottish football . Everton v Man City team news Everton Howard, Hibbert, Jagielka, Distin, Baines, Arteta, Heitinga, Neville, Osman, Rodwell, Anichebe. Subs: Mucha, Bilyaletdinov, Beckford, Cahill, Gueye, Coleman, Vellios. Man City Hart, Zabaleta, Kompany, Lescott, Kolarov, De Jong, Vieira, Milner, Toure, Silva, Dzeko. Subs: Given, Wright-Phillips, Adam Johnson, Jo, Boyata, Balotelli, McGivern. Referee Phil Dowd (Staffordshire) 2.16pm Leeds’ last 0.00000000000001 per cent of hope has disappeared: Marcus Tudgay has just headed Nottingham Forest into a 2-0 lead at Crystal Palace. Somewhere upstairs, Brian Clough has a big dumb grin on his face. Forest are going into the play-offs where, as things stand, they will face Swansea. 2.15pm Admirable stuff from Leeds, if ultimately futile: they now lead 2-1 at QPR thanks to Ross McCormack’s deflected shot. 2.13pm A token video of Arsene Wenger way back when, when he didn’t look like Jeff Stelling circa 1999. 2.05pm Nothing to see in the Championship. It’s still QPR 1-1 Leeds and Palace 0-1 Forest. These are the other scores . Token mention of Jimmy Glass, what with this being the last day of the season and anything being possible department Jeff Stelling looks a bit like Arsene Wenger in that video. When did Soccer Saturday start? Around 1997? It was certainly an improvement on Sports Saturday . 1.53pm In Scotland, Rangers are predictably mauling Hearts: it’s 3-0, with Hearts down to 10 men. Ten men? Pah! 1.51pm “McGugan,” says Philippa Booth, doing her best drunken-Jack-Black-in-High-Fidelity impression. “Crivens, have just seen that free kick. Have switched to Palace v Forest.” 1.50pm You’ll probably be wanting some permutations for the rest of the Football League, then. League One Brighton and Southampton are promoted (effectively if not mathematically in Southampton’s case) Huddersfield, Peterborough, MK Dons and Bournemouth are in the play offs Swindon, Plymouth and Bristol Rovers are down (effectively if not etc in Bristol Rovers’ case) That means one of Dagenham & Redbridge (47 pts), Walsall (48 pts) and Notts County (49) are going down. All three are playing sides in the top four League Two Chesterfield and Bury are promoted, while the final automatic place will go to either Wycombe (77 pts) and Shrewsbury (76) Wycombe or Shrewsbury and Accrington Stanley will be in the play offs. The final two places are between three sides on 68 points: Torquay (goal difference +23), Stevenage (+17) and Gillingham (+12) Stockport are down, and the other relegation place will be taken by either Barney (45 pts) or Lincoln (47). Barnet’s goal difference is superior, so if they win and Lincoln fail to win, Lincoln will go down Confused? Splendid. Now if you’d just like to lie down on the couch… 1.26pm Leeds are at least going down with a fight at QPR, where Max Gradel has made it 1-1. 1.11pm Talking of Lewis McGugan, this is surely the free-kick of the season. [Cliche] If Cristiano Ronaldo had scored it… [/cliche] 1.10pm We already know who has been automatically promoted (QPR, Norwich) and relegated (Sheffield United, Scunthorpe, Phil Brown FC) from the Championship. We also know that Cardiff, Swansea and Reading are in the play-offs. The remaining play-off place is between Nottingham Forest and Leeds, who are three points and six goals behind Forest. In other words, Leeds need snookers, a miracle, another miracle, and a six-goal swing. It’s not going to happen: they trail 1-0 at the champions QPR , thanks to a goal from Heidar Helguson, while Lewis McGugan has put Forest 1-0 up at 10-man Crystal Palace . So Leeds now need an eight-goal swing. They are facing an eighth consecutive season outside the top flight, which equals their worst run since the 1950s. You can get all the latest scores from the Championship, and the rest of Europe, by clicking here . Preamble Hello. You don’t need to have spent your teenage years in small-town nightclubs – waiting for the slow songs* and then, at 1.44am on a Sunday morning, roaming wild-eyed across sticky flooring as U Sure Do by Strike morphs awkwardly into Celine Dion’s Think Twice – to know what blind panic feels like. Just take a look at the bottom of the Premier League every April and May, when the search for points, any points, becomes all-consuming. Nothing else matters. Not performances, style of play, dignity, or even the fact you apparently want to slow dance to Celine Dion with someone picked entirely at random through rendered eyes across a dimly lit dancefloor. That is certainly the case for West Ham, Wigan, Blackburn and Birmingham today. The only relegation head-to-head (please don’t call it a six-pointer, or you’ll stir the pedant in me. And, as the poster for all Hulk films would say in an ideal world, you wouldn’t like me when I’m pedantic) is between West Ham (32 points) and Blackburn (38). It’s not quite a must-win for West Ham, as they have two winnable games still to come (Wigan away and Sunderland at home), but if they fail today they will be under all sorts of pressure. Time, then, for their manager’s most Churchillian oratory. Avram? Hello? Even his most Duncan Smithian oratory would be an improvement. Anyway, these are today’s fixtures in the Premier League: Aston Villa v Wigan Bolton v Sunderland Everton v Man City Newcastle v Birmingham Tottenham v Blackpool (5.30pm) West Ham v Blackburn We’ll also keep an eye on the last day of the season in the Football League. The Championship matches kicked off at 12.45pm, although there is basically nothing to play for save that most overrated of emotions, pride. * Do they still play slow songs in small-town nightclubs? Do nightclubs still exist in small towns? JJs in Sittingbourne was shut down. Life has never been the same since really. Premier League Rob Smyth guardian.co.uk