Committees would ensure brides are modestly dressed and male and female guests do not mix under a new law There is an awful lot of flesh on display at Qasre Aros in central Kabul. Arms and shoulders are free to the elements, while necklines plunge daringly low on garish ballgowns made of every shade of synthetic material imaginable and encrusted with fake jewels. Though the skin may be the orangey plastic of the dozens of mannequins lining the walls, the dresses are worn every night by real Afghan brides. But the days when brides-to-be would flock to the shops of central Kabul’s Shar-e-Now Park may be numbered. Conservative elements of Hamid Karzai’s government are pushing for far-reaching restrictions on weddings the likes of which have not been seen since the Taliban regime. Under a new law proposed by the country’s justice ministry and soon to be considered by Karzai’s cabinet, “garments contrary to Islamic sharia” will be banned. Those dealing in “outfits that are semi-naked, naked, transparent, or tight in a way that reveals part of the woman’s body” will be fined and, if they persist, closed down. When plans to regulate Afghanistan’s booming wedding industry were announced earlier in the year, the government said it merely wanted to curb the country’s mania for lavish weddings that drag people into serious debt. But according to drafts of the law seen by the Guardian, the government is also aiming to introduce various public morality provisions in yet another sign of the casual erosion of the small freedoms women have won since 2001. And in an echo of the Taliban regime, which used to police weddings to ensure they complied with hardline rulings including a ban on music, the government also intends to set up “committees” to monitor weddings. The groups, which will include representatives of the religious affairs ministry, will be expected to patrol private ceremonies held in the garish, multistorey wedding halls on the edge of Kabul that light up the night sky with their elaborate neon facades. Among their duties will be ensuring male and female guests do not mix in the same rooms – already a standard practice in most Afghan weddings – and that the bride is modestly attired. Muhiuddin Alizada, the owner of Qasre Aros, looked bewildered when he was shown a copy of the draft law for the first time this week. “This is pointless because the mullahs will not be happy unless the women are wearing burqas,” he said. “It is all because of pressure from the Taliban.” Human rights activists are similarly aghast. “A number of experts who have looked at the draft law are of the view that it interferes with private family life and could well be inconsistent with sharia principles and the constitution,” said Georgette Gagnon, the UN director of human rights in Afghanistan. Other shopkeepers were more understanding, even though none of them had a single item of stock that was “sharia compliant”. “We are Muslims and women should dress modestly,” said Muhammad Shah, a young entrepreneur whose shop is packed full of brightly coloured dresses that look all the more lurid under the pink fluorescent bulbs of the shop. But moments later he concluded that there was no way such a law could be enforced. “Even during the Taliban regimes people were still wearing these types of dresses,” said Shah. “Gambling is haram but the government can’t even stop that.” Sadia, a 26-year-old who got married on Thursday, was outraged by the idea that the government might try to stop her wearing the white, bare-shouldered glittery creation she chose for her wedding. “When I’m wearing this dress I feel very beautiful. Why shouldn’t I wear it?” she told the Guardian during a four-hour session in a beauty parlour on the morning of her wedding. “If I don’t wear it people will think I have a very bad husband who says I cannot wear these things. This is a day I will remember all my life and every girl is hoping to wear these clothes.” Under the proposed law, not only would she have to be more frumpily attired, she would also have to go for something far cheaper. The government wants to impose a maximum spend on wedding dresses of just over $100. Alizada says his cheapest frock is $222, a dowdy thing that has been used more than four times. Most brides rent their dresses, paying anything between $200 and $400. If they buy they have to pay more than $1,000. The law also bans large parties in wedding halls to celebrate the many other ceremonies associated with an Afghan wedding including henna night, engagement, and a post-wedding event known as Takht Jami. Wedding guests will be limited to 300 and selections of food will be regulated by local government officials to ensure no more than $5 is spent per person. The erosion of women’s freedoms Afghanistan’s restriction on low-cut wedding dresses is the latest government initiative to alarm human rights activists. Last year the supreme court instructed judges to jail women who run away from home, while another draft regulation sought to transfer the management of women’s shelters from charities to the government. Social conservatives have also been flexing their political muscles in ways rarely noted by local or international media. Musa Khan, the governor of Ghazni province, once associated with the fundamentalist warlord Abdul Rasul Sayyaf, marked international women’s day on 8 March. Unfortunately, he appeared to have missed the point of the event. According to Alex Dietrich, the head of a US military female engagement team operating in Ghazni, in a morning of speeches, only two women were invited onstage to participate. Instead ranks of burqa-clad women watched a group of men dominate proceedings with speeches on the importance of practising marital obedience. Khan told them they should not leave their homes without permission from their husbands. “At the end the men sat down for a feast, while the women waited outside in the cold for some of their leftovers,” Dietrich said. This week the deputy governor of Helmand was sacked by President Hamid Karzai after elders objected to a successful concert in the once warring provincial capital of Lashkar Gah, which was attended by 12,000 people. Their objection: some of the female singers performed without headscarves. Afghanistan Weddings Women Gender Jon Boone guardian.co.uk
Continue reading …
I won’t go to China to defend my longboard world title this year because of its human rights record: we need a wave of change Surfing is a fringe sport with roots as a sacred activity of the Queens and Kings of the Hawaiian Islands. Olympic swimming gold medalist, Duke Kahanamoku , is credited with the popularisation of surfing as he travelled the world performing swimming exhibitions. He would paddle his 10ft redwood longboard out to the empty lineups of international beaches in front of curious crowds of onlookers, heave and twist his board toward shore, paddle gracefully into a wave and finally stand, erect and dignified on a virtual aircraft carrier of a surfboard. Surfing has come a long way since these days in the early 1900s. Our boards are shorter and they are made of industrial materials like polyurethane foam or epoxy, which makes them lighter and more performance-oriented. Where Duke stood in his dignity, surfers now carve under liquid curls, lacerate foam ball sections and throw themselves, looping madly, into the air above the waves. The sport has evolved to include surf competitions in the last three decades and a $6bn industry that continues to drive the sport forward. The foremost governing body of surfing, the ASP , and major surfing brands, such as Quiksilver , Billabong and Rip Curl , have made it possible for some surfers to create a career out of this activity. Of the two main branches of surfing – shortboarding and longboarding – longboarders have had the least opportunity to make a career out of surfing, despite being the closer of the two to the original roots of the sport. Female longboarders are even farther removed from this opportunity, as the newest addition to the ASP world tour. With this reality in focus, any opportunity handed down by the powers-that-be is generally accepted with gratitude by female longboarders. Not so with the offer of the ASP to make the deciding event of the Women’s World Longboard Championship of 2011, its first significant event in China … at least, not for this female longboarder. After receiving the email that notified me of the event in February, which would be subsidised by the Chinese government (including all airfares, accommodations and food for the surfers), I decided to use the platform I now have, as the current women’s world longboard champion, to boycott the tour in order to draw attention to a precedent being set in our industry. China, admittedly, has huge economic potential for many industries, but the human rights complexities of doing business there require an introspective assessment of what the surf industry’s motivations – along with its professional tour’s – are in going into China. Foreign businesses seeking to take advantage of China’s booming economy and its growing middle class have a moral duty and responsibility to actively participate in improving the socio-political environment of China’s citizens. This extends to sports as much as it does to other industries doing business in China. The surf industry and the ASP are taking cues from the sports and their respective tours that have gone before them – for example: basketball (NBA), golf (PGA tour) and soccer (Fifa). Sports industries, and their governing bodies, have a tremendous opportunity to effect systemic change through their business associations in China. So if their intention is simply to take advantage of the economic opportunities there, then it must be understood that they will be tacit partners of, and complicit with, those who enact violations of the universal human rights of Chinese citizens. It is my hope that those in my surfing community who feel similarly will voice their opinion. That way, we can foster a future where we are able to participate with a clear conscience, in China and elsewhere where human rights are violated, as true ambassadors of a sport that constructively seeks to protect and value the rights of all human beings. Surfing China Human rights Sport politics Ethics Cori Schumacher guardian.co.uk
Continue reading …
Courthouse wakes held in England and Wales as JPs say government decision will mean the death of local justice How do you decommission a courthouse with judicial dignity? In Lyndhurst, Hampshire, they cleared Court One of defendants, broke out the wine glasses and mourned the “death of local justice”. Similar makeshift wakes have been held around the country as scores of magistrates and county courts closed their doors for the final time this week. In Ely, Cambridgeshire, the high sheriff’s ceremonial sword sent the security scanner haywire as dignitaries trooped into the newly redundant, 19th century assize court. But the government programme to close 142 English and Welsh courts and save £41.5m a year has also provoked a spirit of rebellion among independent-minded JPs . Three judicial reviews have been launched, challenging decisions by Kenneth Clarke’s Ministry of Justice. Because buildings have no legal status, magistrates in west Somerset have set up a private company, Save Local Justice (Sedgemoor), to initiate action. In South Wales, Vale of Glamorgan council is furious at having to pay an extra £200,000 a year to transfer casework to Cardiff and has lodged papers opposing the closure of Barry magistrates court. In Sittingbourne, Kent, lawyers have banded together to save their courtroom. The Magistrates’ Association paid for legal advice to help local benches considering seeking judicial reviews. “Justice should be delivered so that the public can see it being done,” said John Thornhill, chairman of the national association. “We are concerned at the move to regional centres. It will be a disincentive for defendants to travel long distances on buses at their own expense. We may see more defendants failing to turn up, so more warrants being issued and higher costs as defendants fill up more police cells.” The number of magistrates in England and Wales has fallen from 30,000 to 27,000 over the past 18 months through a process of delayed recruitment and retirement. At least 40 courts will have been closed by today; almost all the others that have been targeted will be gone by 2012. A spokeswoman from HM Courts Service said: “Substantial savings will be made from not having to maintain so many buildings and there will be efficiency savings for other justice agencies by focusing their attendance at a single accessible location within a community.” Magistrates in Lyndhurst also considered a judicial review. Maggie Hill, chair of the New Forest bench, has fought a campaign to preserve the spacious courthouse, which was opened in 1995. Paint may be peeling off the modernist portico and offenders may have scratched their names on the court’s wooden nameplate but inside, the last days of criminal justice in the New Forest passed in an orderly succession of motoring offences and breaches of community orders. A youth, described as autistic, who had overslept and failed to comply with an earlier sentence stood in the secure glass dock. His solicitor pleaded that he needed to “see light at the end of the tunnel”; the community order was extended by 24 hours and a £50 fine imposed. A 21-year-old convicted of waving an air pistol around in a public place and criminal damage when he smashed glass panels inside his parents’ rented home was said to have admitted: “I can’t control my anger”. His mother, bobbing three times in deference to magistrates, spoke on his behalf, hinting at deeper family problems. The failure to keep meetings with probation officers was punished by a £50 fine and extra hours of unpaid work. “If you breach this, another bench may be unsympathetic,” he was warned. Hill, who has been a magistrate since 1997, believes the closure of Lyndhurst is misguided. “It will be the death of local justice,” she said. “It may save some money but not as much as anticipated. There’s no magistrates court left in the New Forest; that’s an area of 290 square miles.” Work will be transferred – involving increased travelling costs – to Southampton. One court, in an outbuilding, closed 18 months ago. The other two were working five days a week with full lists until recently. “After only 15 years of use,” Hill said, “a modern, well-appointed and functional building will now go to waste along with its visible presence of justice in our unique community.” She scheduled the court’s last sitting for today: “I thought April Fool’s Day would be quite appropriate.” Ludlow magistrates court, which dates back to the 14th century, hosted a national celebration in January of the 650th anniversary of the 1361 Justices of the Peace Act, which established the practical framework of British justice. “Ludlow was the oldest working court in the country,” Stuart Sutton, chairman of the Shropshire branch of the Magistrates’ Association , said. “Now it’s closed and everyone will have to go to Telford, 28 miles away. There’s no good public transport link. You will have defendants, victims and witnesses all travelling on the same bus together for trials in unprotected circumstances. “It’s the withdrawal of yet another service from small county towns that are struggling to maintain their identity. It’s the antithesis of the ‘big society’ and getting people involved together in communities to stop reoffending.” Once judicial work has been centralised in cities and larger court complexes, abandoned buildings will be put up for sale in a flat commercial property market. The Ministry of Justice claims it will raise £38.5m from these assets. Mike Dodden, a magistrate of 22 years’ standing, helped set up SLJ (Sedgemoor) to preserve Bridgwater court. “Our court was built 100 years ago. It’s running five full days a week,” he said. “Now there will be more prison escorts and more magistrates’ expenses to pay.” Even the local Conservative MP, Ian Liddell-Grainger, has fought to preserve it. The Ministry of Justice said: “Closures will ultimately help to modernise and improve the use of courts in England and Wales. Keeping under-utilised courts open is simply not a good use of taxpayers’ money and resources must be targeted to best effect in order to provide value for money. “Accessibility for court users is, of course, an important factor. People should not have to make unreasonably long journeys to court, but this is not the only concern. The speed with which cases get decided, the facilities we can provide to meet the needs of all court users and respect for the quality of our justice system matters equally, if not more.” In Lyndhurst, the elaborate royal crests positioned behind the bench will soon be unscrewed and removed. And there will be silence in court. UK criminal justice Kenneth Clarke Liberal-Conservative coalition Owen Bowcott guardian.co.uk
Continue reading …
Police, who arrested suspect at scene, say 14-year-old Chloe West is in stable condition after incident in Stourbridge A 14-year-old girl has been airlifted to hospital after she was stabbed by a man outside a secondary school. The attacker was held by staff, parents and pupils after stabbing Chloe West several times outside Ridgewood high school in Stourbridge, West Midlands. West Midlands police said an 18-year-old, believed to have been known to West, was arrested at the scene. West was rushed to Birmingham children’s hospital with several wounds to her upper body. Police said she was undergoing surgery but was stable and improving. She is not thought to be in a life-threatening condition. Speaking to reporters near the scene, Superintendent Stuart Johnson praised the bravery of staff, students and parents who stepped in to halt the attack. He said: “I would just like to pay tribute to the very brave individuals who, without too much thought for their own safety, intervened at the time of the incident this morning.” Those who held the man had been confronted by a frightening scene, Johnson said: “They showed tremendous bravery in intervening and actually detaining the suspect. In my opinion, based on medical evidence, they clearly prevented far more serious injuries to Chloe.” Officers were called to reports of a girl being stabbed near the school’s main gates at 8.42am and were at the scene within minutes. Johnson said: “On arrival, they saw that there was indeed a young lady, who we since know to be a pupil at the school, with serious injuries, believed to be knife wounds. “They also found that a young man, who we have since established does not attend the school, had been detained by members of the public here in the street.” The man, who is known to have suffered injuries to his hands, was taken into custody. Crime Knife crime guardian.co.uk
Continue reading …
Despite condemnation of its closure UKFC faded smoothly to black, with functions transferred to the BFI and regional agency Film London Its abolition in the coalition government’s first round of cuts in July was widely condemned and drew letters of support from such Hollywood luminaries as Steven Spielberg, Clint Eastwood, Helen Mirren and Liam Neeson. But in the end, the UK Film Council went quietly. 31 March was the final official day of business at the UKFC’s offices in Little Portland Street, London, and 38 former Film Council staff today find themselves working for the British Film Institute , which will take over many of the abolished body’s functions. Others, including the office of the British Film Commissioner, have been transferred to regional agency Film London , which will oversee the task of promoting the UK as a film-making destination. The decision to hand the BFI responsibility for distributing lottery funding to film-makers came in November, partly assuaging widespread concern that the government had not considered the future of public investment in British movies when making its decision to axe the council. At the same time Ed Vaizey, the culture minister, further sugared the pill by announcing that the £28m lottery grant the industry receives would be increased to around £43m by 2014 . If ministers were rattled by the vocal support for the council, they might have been cursing their luck in February when The King’s Speech , a film part-funded by the UK Film Council, took four Oscars at the annual Academy Awards ceremony in Los Angeles . Other productions in the last five years alone that might never have made it to the big screen without the council’s support include Nowhere Boy , Fish Tank , In the Loop , Man on Wire , Hunger , Happy-Go-Lucky , This is England , Vera Drake and The Last King of Scotland . Of movies currently in cinemas or due to arrive on the big screen, Richard Ayoade’s critically acclaimed first film Submarine , Andrea Arnold’s Wuthering Heights and the forthcoming Joe Cornish-penned comedy Attack the Block all received UKFC funding. Three weeks ago, a National Audit Office report roundly criticised the UKFC’s axing, suggesting it was “not informed by a financial analysis of the costs and benefits of the decision” . The UKFC’s entire annual budget was a reported £3m, while the cost of closing it down and restructuring is estimated to have been almost four times that amount. At Sunday night’s Empire awards, British film-makers said they were disappointed that the council was no longer extant but expected it to be business as usual with the BFI. “The Film Council has done great things and ended on a high note with The King’s Speech,” actor and director Noel Clarke told the BBC . “They helped me on two of my films – Adulthood and 4.3.2.1 . I’m very sad that they’re breaking down but the BFI is going to continue what they do.” Jane Goldman, writer of Kick-Ass and the forthcoming superhero tale X Men: First Class , said she was a “huge supporter”. She added: “It’s a difficult time; hopefully things will become streamlined. I’ve got a couple of other projects which I guess will filter into the BFI.” UK Film Council BFI Arts funding Arts policy Public sector cuts Public services policy Public finance Ed Vaizey Conservatives Ben Child guardian.co.uk
Continue reading …
Policewoman said Ian Tomlinson, who died during G20 protests, appeared to fall on his face after being shoved by officer A police officer was “shocked by the forcefulness of the push” on Ian Tomlinson shortly before the newspaper seller died during the City of London G20 protests in April 2009, an inquest has heard. PC Kerry Smith had spoken with Tomlinson shortly before the incident involving another officer, she told the hearing on the second anniversary of his death . She said she did not feel Tomlinson posed a threat to officers. Smith said she was helping a police cordon push protesters out of a passage called Royal Exchange Buildings towards Cornhill when Tomlinson approached their line. “He said he wanted to get through and pointed to the line behind us. I told him no, I did point towards the south-east corner, so going towards Bishopsgate, as an alternative direction. “He said ‘I want to get through’” but didn’t say why, Smith told the inquest. “To me he wasn’t aggressive or swearing, he didn’t seem rude as such. I had told him to get back because he didn’t move. I am sure he had heard me. Because he didn’t move he was told to get back from the line. I had heard it from other officers. After a bit of a pause he then did turn around. “He was pushed then by a police officer on his left shoulder, or left upper arm, I think it was his left shoulder. “I saw the push, I saw a police officer’s arm push on to his shoulder. I didn’t know which officer, just someone from my left. “Mr Tomlinson then fell to the floor. He went forward quite hard, he didn’t use his hands to break his fall, so he appeared to possibly fall on his face. “He turned around and sat up. I think two people came to his aid. Members of the public or demonstrators. They weren’t police officers. He sat up and looked towards us and he said ‘I just wanted to go home’ or ‘I wanted to go home.’ “I said: ‘It’s obvious mate, you can’t come through.’” Smith said she “was shocked by the forcefulness of the push on Mr Tomlinson”. Questioned by Matthew Ryder QC, counsel for the Tomlinson family, she agreed with him that “from the dealings I had” she did not think it was necessary to use any force on Tomlinson. Asked by Samantha Leek, counsel for the Metropolitan Police, if Tomlinson posed any threat to any officer at all, PC Smith replied: “I didn’t feel so at the time.” In her notes from the day Smith wrote of the incident: “Thought he hit head. Expected to see blood. Dazed and shocked.” Moments earlier Tomlinson had made no response to being struck on the leg by a police baton or to a police dog being close enough to bite him moments before being pushed violently to the ground, an inquest heard. Robert Fitch, a City trader with a hedge fund, said most people were walking away very quickly from the vicinity of Royal Exchange when officers with dogs began clearing the area. Fitch had a clear, uninterrupted view from his office window and was about 50 metres from Tomlinson. He said in a statement read to the inquest: “It was at that point I commented on there being people around who clearly weren’t protesters. I said to somebody that this guy (Mr Tomlinson) was wearing a Millwall shirt. “He looked as if he had a bit to drink because he was walking slowly with his hands in his pockets.” As the police approached him a dog came close enough to him “to move the trousers he was wearing”. “I can’t say if it bit him but it was close enough to do so. The dog was barking, the lead was definitely tight. “Ian did not respond to the dog as everyone else did, he just didn’t move very quickly, he was just shuffling forward, still with his hands in his pockets, towards Cornhill. He turned around briefly but not fully, to face the officers. I can’t tell if he said anything to the officers. “I saw a police officer … he stepped forward and struck Ian on the right knee area two to three times. It was pretty clear that Ian was being asked to move along because of the dog. “Ian was struck on the leg but he did not seem to respond in any way, which was consistent again with my view that he was drunk. He still had his hands in his pockets at this time. I do not know if any warning was given verbally and there was nothing in the movements of the officer or Ian to suggest a warning was given. “Almost in the same movement the officer shoved Ian in the back towards the shoulder blade area on the left side. Ian staggered forward and he went straight down. The officer was pulled back, I think by another officer. Ian … had fallen really hard, but I think another officer pulled this officer back into the police. “This happened because Ian had not moved on when he was approached by the dog and when he was struck with the baton. It was a violent shove but I did not think it was over the top and it was proportionate to the other incidents I had seen before.” Fitch said he saw another officer striking a woman with a baton and pushing her. “This incident struck me because it was very similar to what I had witnessed a short time previously when I had seen Ian struck with the baton and shoved by the police officer.” G20 Ian Tomlinson Police David Sharrock guardian.co.uk
Continue reading …
The latest edition of the biweekly Notable Quotables is up at MRC.org , the Web site for NewsBusters's parent organization the Media Research Center. Some of the topics this week: the same media who trashed George W. Bush for going after a bloodthirsty dictator now see greatness in Barack Obama doing the same; Brian Williams feels the commander-in-chief’s pain; and Chris Matthews has a death wish for Republicans who fail to practice civility in politics. After the jump, a sample of what’s in this issue; the entire April 1 edition is posted at www.MRC.org :
Continue reading …The latest edition of the biweekly Notable Quotables is up at MRC.org , the Web site for NewsBusters's parent organization the Media Research Center. Some of the topics this week: the same media who trashed George W. Bush for going after a bloodthirsty dictator now see greatness in Barack Obama doing the same; Brian Williams feels the commander-in-chief’s pain; and Chris Matthews has a death wish for Republicans who fail to practice civility in politics. After the jump, a sample of what’s in this issue; the entire April 1 edition is posted at www.MRC.org :
Continue reading …
We must bring equal protection and the potential for equal punishment to everyone on the road Last week I presented a 10 minute rule bill in the House of Commons called “dangerous and reckless cycling (offences)”. In 2007, Rhiannon Bennett was walking with friends on a pavement when a cyclist approached at speed yelling, “Move, because I’m not stopping.” He hit Rhiannon who fell and smashed her head on the kerb. She was taken to hospital but died six days later. The cyclist was found guilty of the crime of dangerous Cycling. This charge carries a maximum penalty of £2,500, but no prison sentence. There are other charges, including the Offences Against the Persons Act 1861, but this charge was designed to deal with horse-drawn carriages and carts and therefore, for obvious reasons, it is rarely used. The cyclist who killed Rhiannon was given a £2,200 fine but did not go to prison. On seeing the title of my bill, some people, including MPs, thought I was anti-cycling and seeking to make criminals out of cyclists. I am a keen cyclist myself, I take advantage of many excellent initiatives such as the cycle hire scheme in London and commend people for swapping their cars for their bike to get to school and work. Many have pointed out , quite rightly, that far more cyclists are killed and injured by motorists than the number of pedestrians who are killed or injured by cyclists and quite often motorists who kill or injure cyclists do not go to prison . I certainly do not trivialise the issue of cyclists being killed or injured by motorists and I share the concerns and outrage of many that have pointed out that so few motorists go to prison. The point I wish to make is that, in the case of a motorist killing a cyclist there is, at the very least, the possibility of a motorist being severely punished. Causing death by dangerous driving carries a maximum sentence of 14 years in prison, causing death by careless driving has a maximum sentence of five years. This is not the case with cyclists. There is no charge of causing death by dangerous cycling. There is only the charge of dangerous cycling which carries a maximum penalty of a £2,500 fine and the out-of-date Offences Against The Person Act 1861 which does carry a maximum penalty of two years in prison but seems unlikely to be successfully upheld in cases such as the Rhiannon Bennett case. My aim from the beginning has been to update the law and bring equal protection and the potential for equal punishment to all road users. In this country we have an independent judiciary. As an MP I can enact, scrutinise and update the law but the courts enforce the penalties. I sincerely hope that all road users are held accountable to the full extent of the law. My heart goes out equally to all whose lives have been damaged or taken away by the careless, dangerous or reckless actions of others. • Andrea Leadsom is MP for South Northamptonshire Cycling guardian.co.uk
Continue reading …
British media revel in 1 April traditions with stories attempting to straddle line between incredulity and plausibility It’s that day again; the one that gave us the annual spaghetti harvest , fiesta on the charming island of San Seriffe , and the left-handed burger. This year, gorillas discovered the joy of iPads; BMW launched its royal wedding special edition M3 Coupe in Windsor white, badged in red, white and blue; a unicorn skeleton was found at the Tower of London; and Radio 4 forced the august John Humphrys to take a walk on the wild side and investigate the wonders of 3D radio. The Sun’s exclusive , with a comment from wildlife expert Terry Nutkins, has delightful photographs of gorillas frolicking in the sun with iPads. Nutkins doubts we’ll ever see them on Twitter or Facebook, but I don’t know, there’s always next year. Radio 4′s Today programme could soon be broadcast in 3D sound , promising to create the effect of John Humphrys inside your head. The report has the essential 1 April quality of plausible dullness, with interviews with the Tubular Bells sound engineers, and Evan Davis demonstrating a simple but effective technique for tuning out hiss. Google offers a touching interview with Michael, its autocompleter , a geeky soul who began as a spellchecker but has now graduated to completing those awkward polysyllabic words faster than you can type. “My friends and family always say Michael, how come you always know what we’re going to say?” He manages 34,000 words on a good day, and has been such a success that Google is now recruiting some colleagues for him. Metro – which also reported the discovery of the unicorn at the Tower , with video so it must be true – launched its edible edition , using corn starch, vegetable oil and citric acid among other delicious ingredients: “Printing takes a few hours overnight – several seconds to print each page and slightly longer to dry. The finished products are even given a light vanilla scent. Charles Bouquet, of the Edible Paper Company, said the project would encourage recycling. He added: ‘We hope it adds flavour to the stories and presents readers with a colourful menu of current affairs.’” The Mail has Kate Middleton checking out baby clothes and – in its online version – propping up a bar . The Telegraph has Labour apparatchiks ordering the party faithful to celebrate the joyful union of Ed Milliband and Justine Thornton with street parties and bunting. The Independent’s page 3 boy is Cristiano Ronaldo : it reports that the footballer has agreed to “act like a patriot” and be sold to Spain for €160m, to help reduce his country’s disastrous national debt. Funnily enough the Mirror also has a Spanish football related story : Fernando Torres is so gutted at his goal free performance at Chelsea since he transferred from Liverpool that he has called on team-mates to join him in an ancient Iberian curse-breaking ceremony involving a defecating goat, called the Dia de los Innocentes, which can only be performed on the first day of the fourth month. Goats, stop reading now, this might upset you: the first 12 fans who turn up at Stamford Bridge will be rewarded with choice cuts to take home. On the BBC business news website , a special correspondent bylined Tok Enmale reports that a federation of men’s groups is to take legal action against Mumsnet. Melvin Footlong, a dad from Weymouth, reflected the widely held views of many men when he complained: “Because I don’t have access to Mumsnet’s Am I being Unreasonable boards, I never know if I’m being reasonable or not. It puts me and other dads at a huge disadvantage.” “It’s not fair, I want to write EastEnders storylines too,” he added.” The Radio Times website broke the appalling news that Jeremy Paxman is to quit University Challenge in outrage over the quiz being dumbed down. And quite right too. Multiple choice questions? Three lives, and “phone a professor”? Shocking. The flight comparison site Skyscanner announced the maiden flight of Urchin Airways, such a terrifyingly plausible idea it should probably be kept from Michael O’Leary: the first child-passenger only plane took off from Heathrow, it reports. “Cabin crew on Urchin Airways will all be dressed as clowns and will oversee the library of video games and supervise a ball pit area. Activities such as egg-and-spoon races will be held along the aisle and targets woven into seating upholstery will offer youngsters the chance to hone their seat kicking skills. Whereas on regular flights children are scolded for making noise, screaming will be encouraged in ‘who can scream loudest?’ challenges.” Actually I’m not sure this is an April Fool, I’m pretty certain I’ve been on that flight – many, many times. Newspapers Newspapers & magazines guardian.co.uk
Continue reading …