Saturday clockwatch | Evan Fanning

• Email evan.fanning.casual@guardian.co.uk with your thoughts • Hit up Evan on Twitter if that’s your thing • Press F5 to refresh this page or use our auto-refresher • Click here for all the stats you will ever need • You want the latest scores? Click here 3.47pm: It’s half time all over the place at the moment. Here are some scores at the interval in no particular order … Manchester United 0-0 Norwich Aston Villa 1-0 Wigan Wolves 0-2 Newcastle Sunderland 2-2 West Brom Blackburn 0-0 Manchester City Grimsby 0-1 Alfreton Town 3.46pm: “I’m Carlos Tevez and so is my wife!” says Marek Miernik. 3.45pm: “Dear Evan Casual,” writes prolific novelist James Hopkins. “Breaking news is that Carlos ‘the snood’ Tevez has just signed up to model a range of men’s autumn/winter fashionwear with, you guessed it, BENCH.” 3.41pm: Wolves have just been denied the Berlin Wall of stonewall penalties. It’s Steven Taylor who has sheepishly walked away from the challenge whistling and avoiding eye contact with Mark Halsey who gives a free kick to Wolves on the edge of the area for a foul that was blatantly inside. “Tevez in London riding the subway refusing to get off at any of the stops,” Says Jose Acosta Montenegro. Let’s hope he’s on the circle line. 3.38pm: Another goal at Molineux and it’s been coming. This time Wayne Hennessey’s legs, arms, body or face can’t do anything about Jonas Gutierrez’s effort and it’s Wolves 0-2 Newcastle . If only Jonas Gutierrez had a brother who played for Newcastle then they could be called the Jonas Brothers. Of course, he would need to be called Jonas too, which would be confusing. Just a thought. 3.35pm: There’s a ‘League One’ now. There they have teams like ‘Hartlepool’ and ‘Sheffield Wednesday’. It’s: Hartlepool 0-1 Sheffield Wednesday . Goal at Villa Park! It’s Agbonlahor who has got it but Barry Bannan is the creator. Aston Villa 1-0 Wigan . If they ever make a movie of his life – and I’m pretty sure it’s inevitable – Danny DeVito will play wee Barry Bannan. 3.34pm: “Carlos Tevez is in Manchester’s Heaton Park, he’s been there since Wednesday afternoon,” writes Jonny Mac. “Despite the Parkie’s best efforts, he’s refusing to leave the bench.” 3.31pm: More Tevez-watch this time from Mark Elliott. “I have it on good authority, my imagination, that Carlos is a Wayne Bridge’s house preparing for an early Bonfire Night party. Mancini will replace Guy Fawkes as the guest of honour.” At Molineux Jonas Gutierrez should have made it two but is denied by Wayne Hennessey’s legs. Hennessey’s body is still attached to his legs – you needn’t worry about that – but he’s just used his legs to make the save. 3.27pm: What’s going on at the Stadium of Light? It’s Sunderland 2-2 West Brom . Ahmed Elmohamady has scored his first for the club as Sunderland have come from two down. That’s some operation Steve Bruce is running up there. At Ewood Park Sergio Aguero has gone off with a groin injury. Samir Nasri is on in his place. The Blackburn fans chant ‘Are you Tevez in disguise?’ That doesn’t even make sense. 3.25pm: Sunderland aren’t kept at bay for long. Nicklas Bendtner has pulled a goal back with a deflected effort. Sunderland 1-2 West Brom . Meanwhile at St Mary’s it’s Southampton 1-0 Watford . 3.24pm: Sunderland have a goal disallowed at the Stadium of Light. Sebastian Larsson tapped in Sessegnon’s crossshot but the flag is up. 3.22pm: Paul Doyle is down with all the kids. He’s at Old Trafford and has taken to the Twitter to air his views … Norwich looking semi-comfortable so far at Old Trafford, which is more than Evans & Jones are looking as they try to cope with S Morison 3.18pm: Goal at Molineaux and it’s gone to Alan Pardew’s side … that man Demba Ba again. Wolves 0-1 Newcastle . “I think Bruce will be gone before they play Arsenal on 16 October,” writes Kevin Smith. “They’ve got 15 points from their last 20 games, going down 2-0 at home in the first five minutes isn’t going to help that either.” It could be even worse. Shane Long has had a decent penalty shout turned down. 3.15pm: “Hello Evan,” greets Colin Ward. “Am I right to suggest that the times displayed on each of the clock and watch in your cover photo are off-kilter? And by almost two hours too, I reckon. I hope that’s not an indication of how often we can expect Clockwatch to update us on the day’s scores – I’m sitting indoors this afternoon reading this by choice, you understand.” Colin signs off the email with “keep up the good work” which is presumably to motivate me to update this more than every two hours. That’s all the motivation I need. 3.12pm: Gobby Agbonlahor (© Chris Kamara) has a great chance for Villa against Wigan but blasts his effort over the bar. If he’d just shut up for a minute he might have hit the target. Norwich have made a decent start at Old Trafford. On average teams playing Manchester United this season have 748 shots on goal per game so Norwich have some way to go yet before they reach their quota but so far so good. 3.09pm: “That man Darren Ambrose” has given Crystal Palace the lead against West Ham. See. We’re not all about the Premier League. We also cover whatever division it is that Crystal Palace and West Ham are in. 3.05pm: Another goal at the Stadium of Light: Sunderland 0-2 West Brom . Shane Long races onto a loose ball leaving Michael Turner literally for dead behind before finishing calmly. That’s some operation Steve Bruce is running up there. Tevez watch: “I’ve just seen Tevez here in London,” writes Niall Mullen. “He abandoned his car in protest at a red light.” 3.03pm: Early chances at Wolves as Roger Johnson brings a save from Tim Krul and Steven Fletcher can’t get the loose ball goalwards. Goal at the Stadium of Light: It’s Sunderland 0-1 West Brom . Chris Brunt crossed and James Morrison rose and headed past Mignolet,. 3.00pm: Whistles are collectively blown across the country and we’re underway in the 3pm games. No goals so far. Defenses on top. 2.57pm: It’s also worth noting that Anders Lindegaard is in goal for Manchester United this afternoon. David de Gea presumably had one doughnut too many during the week. 2.54pm: On Soccer Saturday the discussion is of Peter Crouch and whether or not he’s a good fit for Stoke. Nobody seems to agree on Crouchie’s strengths. Iain Dowie reckons that he’s the second best header of the ball in the Premier League (behind goalscoring’s Andy Carroll) while Merse thinks he’s not so good with his bonce. They all agree that Stoke is the perfect fit but seeing as they all disagree about what it is Crouch is able to do you would wonder how they came to that conclusion. We need your help. Call it citizen journalism. Call it stalking. Actually best to stick with citizen journalism. Where is Carlos Tevez this afternoon? He must be somewhere. The Trafford Centre? Blackpool strand? In any one of Manchester’s two fine restaurants? Sitting at home watching Soccer Saturday? Sitting at home reading this? Somebody must know. Have you seen Carlos? 2.43pm: Bad news for Everton’s DVD department. It’s finished Everton 0-2 Liverpool. 2.41pm: I’ve just picked my scores for the office pick the score competition. It turns out I didn’t win £41m in the Euromillions last night so I really need the £8 on offer here. I would be sitting here doing Clockwatch even if I had claimed the £41m last night. I promise. Manchester United v Norwich Man Utd: Lindegaard, Valencia, Jones, Evans, Evra, Park, Fletcher, Anderson, Nani, Rooney, Hernandez. Subs: De Gea, Ferdinand, Owen, Berbatov, Giggs, Carrick, Welbeck. Norwich: Ruddy, Naughton, Russell Martin, Barnett, Tierney, Bennett, Hoolahan, Fox, Pilkington, Morison, Johnson. Subs: Rudd, Drury, Crofts, Holt, Jackson, Surman, Chris Martin. Referee: Stuart Attwell (Warwickshire) Aston Villa v Wigan Aston Villa: Given, Hutton, Dunne, Collins, Warnock, Petrov, Ireland, Bannan, Delph, Agbonlahor, Bent. Subs: Guzan, N’Zogbia, Albrighton, Heskey, Clark, Weimann, Herd. Wigan: Al Habsi, Stam, Caldwell, Figueroa, Van Aanholt, Moses, McCarthy, Boyce, Watson, Diame, Di Santo. Subs: Kirkland, Maloney, Gomez, McArthur, Sammon, Jones, Lopez. Referee: Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear) Sunderland v West Brom Sunderland: Mignolet, O’Shea, Brown, Turner, Richardson, Elmohamady, Gardner, Cattermole, Larsson, Sessegnon, Bendtner. Subs: Westwood, Colback, Ji, Meyler, McClean, Cook, Laing. West Brom: Foster, Reid, McAuley, Olsson, Shorey, Brunt, Mulumbu, Dorrans, Morrison, Odemwingie, Long. Subs: Fulop, Tchoyi, Thomas, Jones, Tamas, Cox, Scharner. Referee: Lee Mason (Lancashire) 2.25pm: Andy Carroll has given Liverpool the lead in the Merseyside derby. F ollow the remaining 15 minutes with Scott Murray here . Blackburn v Man City Blackburn: Robinson, Lowe, Samba, Dann, Givet, Petrovic, Nzonzi, Pedersen, Goodwillie, Yakubu, Hoilett. Subs: Bunn, Formica, Slew, Rochina, Vukcevic, Roberts, Hanley. Man City: Hart, Zabaleta, Kompany, Lescott, Kolarov, Milner, Toure Yaya, Silva, Johnson, Aguero, Balotelli. Subs: Pantilimon, Dzeko, Savic, Barry, Nasri, Clichy, De Jong. Referee: Phil Dowd (Staffordshire) Wolverhampton Wanderers v Newcastle Wolves: Hennessey, Stearman, Johnson, Berra, Ward, Hunt, Henry, O’Hara, Jarvis, Doyle, Fletcher. Subs: De Vries, Edwards, Vokes, Hammill, Zubar, Doherty, Guedioura. Newcastle: Krul, Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor, Obertan, Cabaye, Tiote, Gutierrez, Best, Ba. Subs: Elliot, Santon, Guthrie, Ben Arfa, Lovenkrands, Marveaux, Sammy Ameobi. Referee: Mark Halsey (Lancashire) Disclaimer. After running through that lengthy list of fixtures we will now largely ignore most of those teams focusing instead in the 10 Premier League teams because that’s just the way it works. To begin with, some starting line-up adroitly copied and pasted from the wires, which is not like a tightrope wire but more of an imaginary electronic clothesline of which hangs very important bits of information such as the news that WAYNE ROONEY STARTS FOR MANCHESTER UNITED!!!!!!!! Rio Ferdinand drops to the bench. Full team to come. Football on a Saturday at 3pm. It’s a British institution, innit? Just like afternoon tea, flat lager, red phone boxes, complaining and not complaining. Well just because it’s October and it’s tropical outside this is no time to abandon tradition – you are needed more than ever to keep the threat from global warming at bay and this part of British heritage alive. So IN YOUR FACE scorching sun. Here is the real news today … The 3pm games in the Premier League (because it’s the only league that matters) Aston Villa v Wigan Athletic Blackburn Rovers v Manchester City Manchester United v Norwich City Sunderland v West Bromwich Albion Wolverhampton Wanderers v Newcastle The 3pm games in the Championship (because it’s like the Premier League but less poncey) Barnsley v Coventry Blackpool v Bristol City Crystal Palace v West Ham Hull v Cardiff Ipswich v Brighton Leeds v Portsmouth Millwall v Burnley Peterborough v Doncaster Reading v Middlesbrough Southampton v Watford The 3pm kick-offs in League One (because lower league football is where it’s at) Brentford v Huddersfield Chesterfield v Colchester Exeter v Oldham Hartlepool v Sheffield Wednesday Leyton Orient v Preston MK Dons v Notts County Rochdale v Wycombe Sheffield Utd v Charlton Stevenage v Scunthorpe Tranmere v Bournemouth Walsall v Carlisle Yeovil v Bury The 3pm kick-offs in League Two (because you might live near one of the teams and could still make it along) Accrington Stanley v Aldershot AFC Wimbledon v Gillingham Barnet v Northampton Bristol Rovers v Cheltenham Burton Albion v Bradford Crawley Town v Plymouth Dag & Red v Crewe Hereford v Oxford Utd Port Vale v Rotherham Torquay v Morecambe The 3pm kick-offs in Scotland (in the interest of balance) Scottish Premier League Clydesdale Bank Premier League Dundee Utd v Motherwell, 15:00 Inverness CT v St Mirren, 15:00 Kilmarnock v St Johnstone, 15:00 Rangers v Hibernian, 15:00 Scottish First Division Hamilton v Falkirk, 15:00 Livingston v Raith Rovers, 15:00 Queen of South v Dundee, 15:00 Ross County v Ayr, 15:00 Scottish Second Division Airdrie Utd v Stenhousemuir, 15:00 Arbroath v Cowdenbeath, 15:00 East Fife v Forfar, 15:00 Stirling v Brechin, 15:00 Scottish Third Division Berwick v Annan Athletic, 15:00 East Stirling v Queen’s Park, 15:00 Elgin v Alloa, 15:00 Montrose v Peterhead, 15:00 Stranraer v Clyde, 15:00 Premier League Championship League One League Two Evan Fanning guardian.co.uk

Posted by on October 1, 2011. Filed under News, Politics, World News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.