England v India – day one as it happened

England were dismissed for 221 on a tricky first day at Trent Bridge Good morning everyone , the bell has been rung, the seconds are out, ready for round two? This promises to be another enthralling Test match. The first thing we have to find out is whether India have pulled a rope-a-dope at Lord’s. I’m one of those who thinks that there’s no way they will play that badly again . In three of their series in the last 18 months (South Africa at home and away, Sri Lanka away) they’ve been routed in the first Test only to come back and win or draw the second. Very few teams in history have been better at coming from behind. But how much has that beating taken out of them? They’ve already lost Zaheer Khan, arguably the single most influential player on either side, and the rumours are that Gautam Gambhir might be out too. We’ll have to wait and see whether that’s true, but if it is, it would be another big loss. The battle has taken a toll on England too. Chris Tremlett is almost certainly going to miss this match. The feeling is that India are going to bring in the lumbering quick Munaf Patel to replace Zaheer, which is going to do nothing to improve their ground fielding. Personally I’d rather see them pick the ludicrously flamboyant Sreesanth, and not just because he is one of the few cricketers who plays in a sweat band these days. Sree is a rock and roll cricketer . No really, he is. See . I was hoping we’d get to see Sree and Swann , who is, of course, the lead singer of Dr Comfort and the Lurid Revelations, have some kind of rock strop show-down in the middle, but it seems we’re going to be denied the satisfaction. Sky are running late, so we’re going straight to the toss: India have won it and chosen to bowl first . MS Dhoni confirms that they have made two changes, with Yuvraj coming in for Gambhir and – hurrah! – Sreesanth in for Zaheer. “We probably would have had a bowl as well” says Strauss, “but I don’t think there are any massive demons in the pitch.” He confirms that Tim Bresnan will replace Chris Tremlett. Since 2005 Trent Bridge has been one of the least forgiving grounds in the world for batsmen. Only Sabina Park has a lower runs-per-wicket average . Historically, England’s record has been quite mediocre here, but they’ve got better, winning five of their last seven Tests here. The two exceptions? Sri Lanka in 2006 and India in 2007 – and look who won the toss and fielded first on that occasion. India’s team has just got so much more entertaining. Let’s see that again. An early word from the ground from Lord Mike Selvey: “Strauss was trying to hide his disappointment at the toss. This does not look like a five day pitch and England would have been very, very keen to bowl first.” Sir Iron Bottom on the other hand reckons that it’s not a bad toss to lose. Which means England are stuffed. So India are going to have to tinker with their batting line-up . Rahul Dravid will open. He is being forced, once again, to take one for the team. He has scored two centuries on pancake flat pitches in Pakistan as an opener, but his record in that position is still distinctly modest. Laxman will move up to No3. But that can all wait . “One of the most tiresome aspects of any Indian Summer is the ongoing inability to get a simple name right,” grumbles John Dalby. “Each time we play India, a new variation on the name, Sreesanth, seems to pop up in spite of the man himself seeking, a number of times I am sure, to settle the matter once and for all. I vaguely recall an interview with an increasingly exasperated Michael Atherton unable to comprehend that his name was simply Sreesanth. I note that you have yet to refer to one of the incorrect variations, so good on you, although I suspect that may be more luck (or laziness) than judgement.” There is truth in that. The man has at least five variations on his name (Sree Sreesanth, S Sreesanth, Shiv Sreesanth, Shanthakumaran Sreesanth, and the simple Sree Santh). He’s yet to insist on being known by a symbol. But I’m guessing it’s not long. His band, by the way, has the modest moniker of S36, after his initial and squad number. You do me a disservice though John. I once asked him to spell out his name for me, and he confirmed that he likes to be known simply as Sreesanth. “Is it a bit sad that I’ve been reduced to refreshing the main Guardian Sports page for the moment when the OBO comes live?” gasps Piers Barclay. “Or is it just a sensible level of enthusiasm about this Test?” Not only is that an acceptable approach, Piers, but it is one that is to be actively encouraged. Cricket fever. Catch a dose. “I agree with the excitement added to the Indian team by Sree’s inclusion,” says Piers Barclay, who has hit form early this morning, “but let’s not forget what they already had . Which begs the question: are India now the best pound-for-pound team on the dancefloor in the game today? Is there going to be a super-over style dance-off to settle the series if it ends up 1-1 or 2-2? And who are England going to put up if it does come down to that? Here come the players , Cook and Strauss following the Indians out on to the field. 1st over: England 1-0 (Strauss 0, Cook 0) Praveen Kumar is going to take the first over. Asad Rauf calls ‘play’ and in comes Praveen. His first ball is full, and swings towards the slips. The next six are similar, with one of them moving so much off the pitch that it costs India a wide. “Please, please, please put my message up!” Pleading is not normally enough to get you on the OBO, but in this case I’m going to make an exception. I must be getting soft in all the excitement about this series. So yes, Hayley Furminger, here you go: “It would make an excellent surprise for my OBO-obsessive fiancé. Thank you. Ok, so I know that my fantastic husband-to-be Miles is not only head over heels in love with cricket, he also adores the OBO. After getting engaged while watching Darren Clarke win the Open, becoming “invested” (his word) in the last test while painting the bathroom and watching the Ian Botham ’81 BBC doc while eating our anniversary dinner last night, I think it should be obvious how much I bloody love the man. Big love to him and the England boys today.” 2nd over: England 4-0 (Strauss 2, Cook 1) Ishant Sharma, who has cut off all his hair since we saw him last, will start at the other end. Cook eases a single away square, and Strauss then whips two runs down to fine leg. England are off and running. What a shame he’s been shorn! Is this an effort to balance out the team after Sree’s selection? Duncan Fletcher must have ordered Ishant to get a hair cut to stop the team becoming too rock and roll. Fletch must feel that the combination of long locks and sweatband could be dangerously disruptive. Going back to that last over, If I’m inclined to come over all romantic today it may be because I’ve been sent a copy of the marvellous-looking novel 24 for 3 by Jeannie Walker. 3rd over: England 5-0 (Strauss 2, Cook 1) Praveen’s pace is down at 75mph, as it always is. It’s slow enough to cause Mikey Holding to explode in contempt and suggest that Sree should be given the new ball instead. As you can see from the cover image, 24 for 3 seems to be a bodice-ripper set at a Test match. The catchline reads: “A home Test against India, starting on a Friday, and a woman’s attention is torn between two men, each of whom knows more about the game than her.” Frankly, this sounds like essential summer reading for all OBO fans. Rumours that is inspired by a real-life story involving Smyth and myself are grossly exaggerated. 4th over: England 6-0 (Strauss 2, Cook 1) “Can I complain in the strongest possible terms that you have done absolutely nothing to take the piss out of Warney’s bonce?” writes Rob Jacques. “I can’t make my mind up whether his rug is plastered down with Swarfega or if dear old Danbert Nobacon has been round with a bucket of water.” There will be time, there will be time. Warne is going to be here all summer. And there’s so much to fit in. I’ve hardly even managed to fit in a word about the cricket yet. Ishant’s line is a little too far over towards the leg-side. It gets worse and worse as the over goes on, and ends with a ball that beats Dhoni and runs away for a bye. Zaheer could easily have torn through England on this pitch in these conditions, what a huge loss he is. 5th over: England 7-0 (Strauss 2, Cook 2) The first lbw appeal of the day, and Asad Rauf has a long, long think about it whether or not to give it. He stares at Cook like a gunslinger waiting for the chimes to stop so he can draw and shoot. But in the end he keeps his finger holstered. It was a good decision. Hawk-Eye shows that the ball would have hit the top of off, but Cook was more than 2.5m down the pitch because, like all of England’s batsmen, he stands out of his crease when Kumar is bowling. He takes a single from the next ball, and exhales to himself in relief as he stands at the other end. “Is it weird that I’ve been sat at my desk whistling Jerusalem for the last 30 minutes?” Yes, Andy Dennett. Yes it is. WICKET! Cook 2 lbw Sharma (England 7-1) Cook has gone this time! That’s a bad decision from umpire Erasmus, unfortunately. Just like Asad Rauf, hew waited a long time before giving it out. But unlike his colleague, he came to the wrong conclusion in the end. Cook was coming forward and the ball hit him high up on the pads. It would have gone on to pass well over the top of the stumps. Here comes the world’s second best batsman then, Jon Trott. Just like the first day at Lord’s, England are going to be in for a really tough time of it this morning. Trott is welcomed by to the middle with an early lbw appeal, from a ball that came back from outside off. Umpire Erasmus shakes his head this time. “Reckon the dance-off between England and India would be representative of how they play their cricket,” says Sam Pal. “England would do a team-wide sprinkler that is efficient yet powerful. India would send forward Sree and Harbhajhan with their ethereal individual talents. Really comes down to which model the judges like best.” Really? Nick S has a different idea: “Loving the All Dancing Indian team, it’s encouraging wonderful images of Ian Bell and Chris Tremlett knocking out a couple of numbers from ‘Pygmalion’.” 7th over: England 8-1 (Strauss 3, Trott 0) Strauss pats away a single, and Trott then takes a leg stump guard outside of his crease to face Praveen. One of the great things about the OBO is that readers often write in to say things that I was thinking myself but wouldn’t dare write. Like this email from Ed Banister, for example: “Hayley Furminger? Will she be changing her name on marriage I wonder?” 8th over: England 9-1 (Strauss 4, Trott 0) Strauss takes another single off Ishant. Trott is playing very warily, trying nothing more ambitious than blocking the ball back down the pitch. “Perhaps it is time we started an OBO dating agency to put like-minded obsessives in touch with one another.” muses Mike Selvey. I’m not sure how the ratio of men to women would work out on that, I have to say. Chris Clothier is having similar thoughts: “It begs the question, when is OBO going to have its first proposal. Volunteers?” What have you been reading for the last seven years Clothier? I’ve lost count of the number of Martin McCague has knocked Smyth back. 9th over: England 13-1 (Strauss 8, Trott 0) Kumar switches around the wicket, and swings the ball back in towards Strauss’ pads. He’s a cunning blighter, Praveen. You’d have to be to get away with it at his pace. His next ball is too full though, and Strauss whips it away for four. A cry comes up from around the ground as the relieved English fans finally have something to celebrate. But this is compelling cricket, despite the lack of runs. “How much do you think it cost Ishant to get a hair-cut in Nottingham?” asks Pulkit Khanna, who must be a man with an inquisitive mind. “In London they give a buzz-cut for like 20 quid but I guess Ishant’s mane was too much for a buzzer. Any Nottingham hair-salon guys with a whiff of the trade?” There was so much of it to remove, I wonder they didn’t charge him twice. I once went to get a wet shave on Jermyn Street – cost me a day’s wages. When I gasped at the bill the barber explained that they had charged me once for “the shave”, and again for the “beard removal”, because I had so much fuzz on my face. 10th over: England 18-1 (Strauss 8, Trott 4) Sharma whistles down a wide past Trott’s off-stump, trying to lure him into actually playing a stroke. And if that was his intention the tactic worked, because Trott cracked the next ball past point for four. His first runs of the day. He swings and misses at the next one. 11th over: England 22-1 (Strauss 12, Trott 4) Sree is on for his first bowl of the morning, and he starts with a delivery which drifts down the leg side. Strauss glances it very fine for four. “24 for3 looks great,” agrees Piers Barclay. “It’s great to know that a woman thinks it possible for a woman to meet a man ‘romantically’ at a cricket match. Although, on closer inspection, it appears that actually it’s a man who wrote it, under a female nom de plume, and women everywhere probably do find the storyline beyond the realms of fantasy. WICKET! Trott 4 c Laxman b Sreesanth (England 23-2) Sree has a wicket in his first over! Trott has gone. What a start for India, they’ve removed England’s two most steadfast batsmen before either of them got in to double figures. It was an away-swinger, an almost perfect one, pitched up on off-stump. Trott played at it, and snapped his head around just in time to see the ball fly off the edge into Laxman’s hands at slip. 12th over: England 25-2 (Strauss 13, Pietersen 1) Pietersen versus Sharma is turning into one of those enthralling little mano-a-mano duels that will define this series. According to Hussain, Pietersen was in the nets this morning practising playing that short, slanting delivery kind of delivery that Sharma got him out with in the second innings at Lord’s. “Clearly Ishant hasn’t been shorn of all his powers like the biblical Samson,” writes Eamonn Maloney, “whilst the addition of hair to the Warne crown seems to have somehow depleted his masculinity. What a topsy-turvy world of follicularity.” Yeah, to be fair, Warne’s emasculation also has something to do with the Botox. And the eyeliner. And the lip gloss. And the fact that he is so firmly under Liz Hurley’s thumb that he seems to have lost an inch or two in height. 13th over: England 26-2 (Strauss 13, Pietersen 3) So, England have at least scrapped past 24 for 3, which means you can all stop writing in to tell me I’m jinxing the team now. And no, Geoff Oxendale, sadly I don’t have another new tome called 500 for 4 to start plugging on here. “In answer to Ed’s tactfully worded question,” writes dear Hayley Furminger, “Yes I will. After 27 years of off-colour surname-related jokes I’ll be taking up Geffin instead. Adios Furminger!” Adios Furminger? Can I use that as the title for my second, less successful, novel? 14th over: England 27-2 (Strauss 13, Pietersen 4) Kumar is coming back into the attack, only this time from the other end. Pietersen is playing with a very straight bat indeed. He pats a single away square. “Adios Furminger sounds like a great pseudonym for the author of 500 for 4,” points out Bob O’Hara. It’s a sign of just how much I’m enjoying this OBO that we’ve had 27 runs in the first 70 minutes and yet I’m too engrossed to have noticed it. This is hard graft for England, who, much as at Lord’s, are planning to bat slowly and steadily until the sun comes out and life gets a little easier. 15th over: England 33-2 (Strauss 14, Pietersen 13) Sree serves up a full inswinger to Strauss, who flicks it square for a single. And then Pietersen counter-attacks, latching on to a sluggish short ball from Sree and walloping it away for four through mid-wicket. Sree, stubborn fool that he is, decides that the best way to follow up that lolloping 83mph half-tracker is with, well, another lolloping 83mph half-tracker. And, surprise surprise, Pietersen plays exactly the same shot for four more. Free runs please! “I contend that romance at a cricket match is entirely possible,” says Paul Mitchell. “I met my wife at Lord’s, 4th day of the first test 1994. I’m English, she’s South African. We were all out for 99, although I missed a lot of the cricket,” [really? that was quick work] “and then called in sick the next day. I recently took our 11 year old son for a tour of the ground to show him where it all started. And where I met his Mum.” Goodness me. What are we meant to read into that, Mitchell? 16th over: England 40-2 (Strauss 17, Pietersen 13) Strauss nudges two more away to the leg side. A single puts KP on strike, and Praveen makes the next ball spit up past the bat into Pietersen’s thigh. “Put Praveen Kumar’s brain in Sreesanth’s head and you would have one good bowler instead two ordinary ones,” points out Gary Naylor. “Then Munaf Patel could play too.” 17th over: England 44-2 (Strauss 21, Pietersen 13) Sree does pitch his first ball up in this over, and then scowls to himself as Strauss creams it back down the ground the four. Here’s Nick Lezard, writing in from another part of Guardian parish: ” As a public service, you may want to direct readers to my review of 24 for 3 in case they’re in two minds whether to buy the book. I was the first person to pick up on it, by the way, which makes me feel disgustingly cuffed with myself. Very pleased you’ve mentioned it, it’s terrific.” 18th over: England 48-2 (Strauss 21, Pietersen 17) England are purring along now. This was a wonderful shot from Pietersen, a leg glance away for four through square leg. Oh, and just as I thought England were on top he plays and misses an on-drive at the next ball and is hit flush on the pads. India appeal, and umpire Erasmus squints and shakes his head. Again Kumar has been undone by the fact that the batsman was batting outside the crease. All of England’s top seven have been adopting this tactic when batting against him, and it means that when they do get beaten by the inswinger they are so far down the pitch that the umpire is disinclined to give it. Pietersen, for example, was 2.66m from the stumps when the ball hit him. Oh dear, Praveen is furious. He is bawling out umpire Erasmus now, and Harbhajan has to step in and drag him away. He’s obviously crossed a line here, and he could find himself getting in a lot of trouble with the match referee. Rather than rant at the umpire, why doesn’t Praveen just tell his captain to come up and ‘keep at the stumps. Do that and they would force the batsmen back in the crease. 19th over: England 50-2 (Strauss 23, Pietersen 17) Strauss lofts a careless sort of pull away into the air in the leg side, but the ball falls safely to the turf. “Romance at the cricket?” asks Colin Pidgeon. “I fell in love with Boddingtons at the Old Trafford test against the Windies in 1995. Does that count?” 20th over: England 55-2 (Strauss 23, Pietersen 21) Pietersen squirts four past the gully, and then Kumar curls an inswinger in towards Pietersen’s pads from outside off-stump, which KP picks off and pats away square for a single. “It seems as though India have taken Naylor’s suggestion on board,” says Thomas Hopkins, “but then put out the bowler with Sreesanth’s brain in Praveen’s body. Seems an odd tactic.” 21st over: England 56-2 (Strauss 23, Pietersen 23) Ishant Sharma comes back into the attack now, and gasps in frustration as Pietersen knocks a single past short leg. “Is it possible that Liz has simply had Warney laminated on grounds of hygiene and durability?” I’d say that’s a fair guess from, Carol Fullilove. 22nd over: England 57-2 (Strauss 23, Pietersen 24) “England were doomed from the moment they realised that they are just a two Test series win away from becoming the leading Test side,” mopes Bill Vincent. “As far as England’s sporting history goes, with only a very few exceptions, proximity to success is the soundest guarantor of failure, disappointment and a nagging sense of injustice. You have been warned.” Unfortunately enough, that strikes me as a depressingly accurate analysis of the recent history of English sport. Praveen finishes this over with a jaffa that swings at the last minute and zips past Strauss’s exploratory grope outside off-stump. 23rd over: England 60-2 (Strauss 24, Pietersen 24) Oh, David Hopkins, you had to go there, didn’t you. “With apologies to Miles, wouldn’t it be better for all concerned if Hayley Furminger and Carol Fullilove were to get married and settle on a double-barrelled surname?” 24th over: England 60-2 (Strauss 24, Pietersen 24) Kumar stomps in for another over. He switches to bowl around the wicket, and angles a full ball into Strauss’s pads. He roars out a solo appeal, without any support from the chorus of close fielders. Umpire Erasmus chews his lip and shakes his head, and this time Kumar manages to avoid exploding in anger. It wasn’t a bad shout that one, I’m not sure why India didn’t make more of it. “Re: romance at cricket,” writes Simon Pate. “My parents got engaged at Lord’s in 1945. I don’t know what the match was – all my mother says about it was that when my grandmother asked to see the ring my grandfather told her to be quiet and wait till the end of the over. There’s a man with sound priorities, although I’ve always thought it a bit strange that my dad proposed in front of his future in-laws.” What a lovely story. 25th over: England 64-2 (Strauss 25, Pietersen 26) Gentlemen, an orderly queue please: “I would LOVE an OBO dating site,” squeals name-and-address-quite-sensibly-withheld-given-some-of-the-shady-sorts-we-get-hanging-about-on-these-pages. “As, in my short experience of such sites, including the not-quite-so-dreadful Guardian Soulmates, men are very shy in confessing to a love of cricket. I’m loud and proud about it, but an OBO-mates would certainly cut down on the filtering I have to employ. (PS: OBO-ers can find me on Soulmates as ‘songsmith’, or I’ll be in the Radcliffe Rd end on Sunday!).” 26th over: England 68-2 (Strauss 29, Pietersen 26) Bhajji will take an over before the break. His first ball is a rank long-hop which Strauss clatters to the boundary. “Bowling Bhajji!” shouts one of the close fielders, a tad optimistically, I can’t help but feel. “You do know that there is already one OBO-generated engagement, don’t you?” says Richard O’Hagan, referencing our long-time readers Lynn Bashforth and Jeremy Theobald. “After all, you were at the post-OBO drinks in 2007 when the couple in question met for the first time.” Indeed I do, Richard. If I forgot it was only because I’ve tried to erase that catastrophic night from my memory. If I recall it was gatecrashed by a few drunkards who masqueraded as colleagues of mine, which was all fine and funny until the colleagues themselves turned up. Much misery hilarity ensued. 27th over: England 69-2 (Strauss 29, Pietersen 27) Lunch is two minutes away but Dhoni has decided it is time for some pies regardless. Yuvraj Singh, playing his first Test in over 12 months, will get an over at his old pal Pietersen. From the non-striker’s end, Pietersen, leaning on his bat, shouts out “no spin, very slow” by way of a warning to Strauss. The over passes without incident, and that, ladies and gents, is lunch. Well, I enjoyed that enormously. Which almost certainly means that when I read this session back I will find that it is riddled with errors. That always seems to be the way of it. England fought back superbly after an enormously testing first hour or so, and I’d say that right now the honours are evenly split. Rob Smyth will be here for the afternoon session shortly , so long as he can prise his sweaty fingers off that copy of 24 for 3. Please send your emails to him now on rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk . LUNCH Hello . It’s been a good week for OBO freebies. On Monday, Katie Cannon sent us a cake; today, Emma Hibbert, who works for Adnams, has sent us a bottle of Adnams Gin. I hope this will start a healthy two-way relationship in which you send us food and booze and we find an appropriate home for it. We shouldn’t really advertise products, of course, but I suppose if we were able to advertise them I might conclude that Adnams Gin is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone, ever . Auction department Now, you may know that Guardian Sport’s Steph Fincham is planning to cycle around Sri Lanka in support of MAG next year. Lord Selvey has submitted a brilliant piece of cricket memorabilia to be auctioned: an England hat signed by last winter’s Gabba centurions, Andrew Strauss, Alastair Cook and Jonathan Trott, with their scores next to their signature. You could pin it on the wall, or use it to give people the high hat (am I the only one whose lifetime ambition is to give someone the high hat?), anything you like. We’ll conduct the auction throughout this Test series. I suppose the best way to do it is for you to send in your bids, and we’ll update you each morning on what level the bidding has reached. Who’s going to open the bidding then? While we’re talking about Miller’s Crossing (sort of) , this must be the best example of, er, hitting children in cinema history. Awww, somebody hit you? “There is a disturbing riff developing about an OBO dating service,” says Ian Copestake. “I would, therefore, like to suggest that while a Test Match makes for romance, with time for knowing looks, the slow burn of mutual understanding and desire and all that, Twenty20 cricket suggests the need for a different type of website for those who just want to get to the nitty-gritty of hitting a lot of sixes.” This would all be wholesome, analogous fun were it not for the fact that the proverbial county-cricket crowd comprises one man and his dog. WICKET! England 73-3 (Pietersen c Raina b Sreesanth 29) Pietersen has gone in the first over after lunch! That is a mighty blow. It was a good one from Sreesanth, moving away off the seam and perhaps lifting a touch more than Pietersen might have expected. He edged the ball low to third slip, where Suresh Raina took an awkward two-handed catch very nicely. 28th over: England 73-3 (Strauss 30, Bell 0) Innings like these will define whether Ian Bell ends his Test career among the great or the good. He needs to improve on a dire record against India . “Objection – in the strongest possible terms,” is the subject of Cathy Anderton. I hate receiving emails with a subject line like that; I instinctively that my racist/sexist/ist past has finally caught up with me, and that a P45/cop car is on the way. Not in this case, though. “We women go to county cricket too you know. Perhaps if some men went who weren’t more interested in their dogs than was good for them were there, that fact might have come to light before now!” I did say ‘proverbial’. 29th over: England 73-3 (Strauss 30, Bell 0) A maiden from Sharma to Bell, who is beaten by the last delivery. There is decent carry in this pitch, although of course England only have the one tall seamer in this match. The Pietersen dismissal came in slightly odd circumstances, incidentally. He was distracted by something behind the sightscreen, an open window I think, and was muttering about it on the way off. In other news, after months of fearful silence, Rhodri Burridge has finally had the courage to express a nation’s concerns. “Why can’t Andrew Strauss control his shirt collar when he wears a jacket for the toss before each Test?” says Rhodri. “Is it asking too much that he checks himself in the mirror before he steps out of the changing room? Or am I just focusing on an utterly insignificant detail in an attempt to distract myself from the pain of witnessing an old-school England batting collapse? Am I the only one who cares about the England captain looking like he’s been out on an all-day Pimm’s binge at Cheltenham races?” 30th over: England 76-3 (Strauss 32, Bell 1) An entertaining piece of nonsense. Bell checks the ball back to the bowler Sreesanth, who dives forward to claim it on the bounce and then throws it up in celebration. Then he runs after the ball. All the while Ian Bell looks him up and down with delicious contempt, while MS Dhoni has a look on his face that says, “he’s not with me”. Brilliant stuff. Everyone on the field just washed their hands of Sreesanth. As Shane Warne says, I don’t think Sreesanth was trying to cheat; he just got carried away. In fact I have no idea what he was doing. The best bit was when he was went charging after the ball after throwing it up in the air. All that obscures the fact that Ian Bell very nearly got a second consecutive duck. Instead he gets off the mark later in the over. Sreesanth is booed at the end of the over and then sarcastically claps the crowd. He has certainly livened this game up, and he has bowled some bloody good deliveries too. 31st over: England 79-3 (Strauss 32, Bell 4) That’s a nice stroke from Bell, who times Sharma through the cover for three. As the chaps on Sky – and Russell Hughes, via email – have said, England have a formidable lower order in this match: Prior, Bresnan, Broad, Swann, Anderson. That’s awesome, and it’s hard to believe it’s only 12 years since Alan Mullally batted at No9. “An OBO dating service?” says Robin Hazlehurst. “Can I just point out one thing that could close that down straight away? Mac Millings reads the OBO. Shudder.” Millings has a third kid on the way. I know, thrice . Millings has also written a helpful guide about to getting on an OBO or an MBM , should you be sufficiently sad so inclined. 32nd over: England 80-3 (Strauss 32, Bell 5) Sreesanth beats Bell with a gorgeous outswinger that draws him into the drive and then roars past the edge. Beautiful bowling. I thought England would eschew the cover drive today but they have played it a fair bit. In other news, James Scholey has started the hat auction at £50. “Double if you somehow adapt the hat so it can have two cans of lager attached with some kind of drinking tubes from the lager cans to the mouth,” he says. “Off to Edgbaston for the third, and that would certainly come in very handy. Lager doesn’t smudge signatures does it? That’s just lesser liquids. Like water.” 33rd over: England 81-3 (Strauss 32, Bell 6) Bell works Sharma for a single. On Sky, Shane Warne is talking about Gossip Girl. Don’t blame me, he started it. “I’ve never seen it,” replies Bumble. “Emmerdale Farm, me.” It was last called Emmerdale Farm in 1989. Then again, I still refer to Snickers as Marathons, so I don’t know what I’m on about. “I wouldn’t say I feel as strong an urge to give anyone the high hat,” says Geoff Savage, “but I have always wanted to take my flunky and dangle.” 34th over: England 81-3 (Strauss 32, Bell 6) Sreesanth beats Bell with another beauty outside off stump. When he bowls like this you wonder why on earth he isn’t a regular, but he can be wildly inconsistent. Bell ignores a very seductive outswinger later in the over, and then he’s beaten again. An excellent maiden. Sreesanth’s line and shape have been lovely since lunch. “Never mind all this soppy ‘getting together’ nonsense,” says Kathryn Oliver. “I was born at the end of 1981. When my nan turned up at the hospital shortly after, she asked my dad how it was going – and he said ‘we’re 370 for 7′. Then I think he got a thick ear from his mum.” It’s just dawned on me that I was conceived during the summer of David Steele. I don’t know what this means, and I’m not sure I want to. 35th over: England 81-3 (Strauss 32, Bell 6) Kumar is on for Sharma. Both sides are waiting for the other to blink, so it’s another maiden. India have control of the scoreboard at the moment, although they could maybe do with a fourth seamer. “I’m here Rob, but I’ve got nothing to say,” says Luke Richardson. “I think this is down to the fact that the cricket is pretty gripping. Other OBOers might characterise this as typical of the OBOer lurking in the corner, just watching.” The Ferret . 36th over: England 85-3 (Strauss 32, Bell 10) A rare piece of filth from Sreesanth, short and wide, is slapped past point for four by Ian Ronald Bell. Sreesanth gets it right thereafter with four inviting full outswingers. Bell ignores them. “What’s a good first-innings score here Rob?” says Luke Satchell. “I’d take 250 at the minute.” It’s really hard to say, not least because of the part the overhead conditions play at Trent Bridge. If I had to name a par score right now I’d go for precisely 327. But I am rubbish at reading pitches so I really don’t know. WICKET! England 85-4 (Strauss c Raina b Kumar 32) England are in trouble now. This is a poor stroke from Andrew Strauss, who has a needless drive at an outswinger from Praveen Kumar. It flies to third slip, where Raina takes a superb two-handed catch just as the ball is about to deface him. Strauss scrapped for his 32, but he is still a long way from his best. For the first time, a few folk are asking whether he may past his best. WICKET! England 85-5 (Morgan LBW b Kumar 0) Now England really are in the malodorous stuff. Eoin Morgan usually struggles against the moving ball early on, and he has lasted just three balls. It was another fine delivery from Kumar, swinging in and then straightening to hit the pads as Morgan played defensively outside the line. After a long delay Asad Rauf raised his finger. That was all distressingly predictable. Morgan checked with the umpire whether he had been given out caught or LBW, which he didn’t do at Lord’s. If it had been the former he could have reviewed the decision; it wasn’t, and he’s gone. That’s Morgan’s third duck in eight Test innings. The selectors are going to have a test of their nerve soon. I hope they hold it, and give Morgan a proper run. 37th over: England 85-5 (Bell 10, Prior 0) So, Matt, if you could just score another 120-ball century, that’d be grand. A double-wicket maiden for Kumar, who is the unexpected joy of the summer. “I certainly don’t think speed dating would be the way to go for the lovelorn OBOer,” says Mark O’Neil. “Imagine the pain of seeing the girl/boy of your dreams at a table only to realise when you got there that Gary Naylor had got there first and already trumped whatever conversational nugget you’d been working on.” 38th over: England 86-5 (Bell 11, Prior 0) The ball has started boomeraning in the last couple of overs. Bell has few thoughts other than survival. It will interesting to see how Prior plays; he likes to wrest back the initiative as soon as possible, but counter-attacking is fraught with peril at the moment. 39th over: England 86-5 (Bell 11, Prior 0) Kumar has got in a string at the moment. Bell defends one huge outswinger, and it’s yet another maiden. England are 17 for three from 12 overs since lunch. “While any batsman can get three scores in single figures (in Strauss’ case 4, 0 and 3 vs Sri Lanka), top batsmen should not be dismissed for 20, 22, 32 and 32, as Strauss has been in his other Test innings this season,” says Gary Naylor. “Is this a run of poor form or, at 34, is this the start of a terminal decline?” Far too early to say, I think. But the point is spot on – the nearly scores will concern Strauss a lot more than the failures. Mind you, Eoin Morgan would bite your hand off for a few 20s and 30s just now. WICKET! England 88-6 (Prior c Dravid b Sreesanth 1) This is a monstrous delivery from Sreesanth, quite magnificent. It homed in on middle stump and then left Prior sharply to take the edge, squaring him up in the process. Dravid at first slip took a comfortable catch. Outstanding cricket from India, and especially Sreesanth. 40th over: England 88-6 (Bell 13, Bresnan 0) “Why is Morgan in the England team?” says Iain Mott. “Why?” Are you asking for a fight? Morgan is one of the few batsmen in the world blessed with genius. Of course he has to improve certain parts of his game if he is to make it in Test cricket, but where’s he supposed to learn: in ODIs? On the PlayStation? What will really annoy me is if England drop him at the end of this summer just in time for a trip to the subcontinent, where they really need his fearlessness and mastery of spin. I don’t think they will. I think he’ll get 18 months to two years and they will make a judgement then. Which is as it should be. 41st over: England 89-6 (Bell 13, Bresnan 0) There’s no need to panic. India have bowled very well, especially since lunch; England have played the odd dodgy stroke but haven’t too much wrong. And you are allowed to be skittled by the best team in the world when the ball is swinging. You almost want England to hit out or get out so that Anderson can have a decent bowl in these conditions. Almost. “OBO speed dating could work,” says David Brooks. “If you don’t like the look of the person on the other side of the table simply hit F5 and hope that they refresh.” 42nd over: England 98-6 (Bell 22, Bresnan 0) A double let off for Bell. First he slices the new bowler Sharma high over the slips for four, and then he pushes a defensive stroke this far wide of his off stump. He gets an authentic boundary later in the over with a delightful cut stroke. Sharma is definitely the least threatening of the three seamers in these conditions, although that’s something of a ‘shortest giant’ competition and Bell is beaten later in the over. “This is supposed to be the slug-it-out-for-number-one spot test series,” says Chris Drew. “So we should expect India to fight back like this. I’d prefer England to become number one after a ‘proper’ fight for it, and now we’ll see just whether this side deserves to be number one.” Darn tootin. And actually, never mind being No1; I’d happily take a 2-1 England win right now. This was always going to be a cracking series, and today’s events have added to that. Please don’t be daft enough to think that this game is over. 43rd over: England 98-6 (Bell 22, Bresnan 0) Bell is dropped by Dravid! Kumar found the edge with a good legcutter, and it flew low to the right of Dravid at first slip. He seemed to have grabbed it in his left hand but then it slipped out a split second later. “Good catch – no, down!” said Mike Atherton on Sky. It was a tricky chance, but a slipper of Dravid’s quality will be pretty disappointed with that. Another maiden from the formidable Kumar, who has figures of 16-7-21-2. Meanwhile, Tim Leach’s wins the competition for greatest-ever OBO email subject with “Et tu, Extras?” Brilliant. “Truly grim times out there for the England team,” Says Tim. “Even our reliable old warhorse, Extras, who can usually be counted on to be our top scorer in these desperate situations, is still stuck in single figures…” 44th over: England 102-6 (Bell 22, Bresnan 4) Bresnan gets off the mark, and brings up the hundred, by deflecting Sharma to fine leg for four. Then he is beaten by an utter snorter, a lifting leg-cutter that growls past the edge. You can’t play those. Don’t even bother trying. Anyway, Tom Hopkins also has Miller’s Crossing in mind: “Sister, when Sreesanth has raised hell, you’ll know it.” 45th over: England 108-6 (Bell 28, Bresnan 4) Kumar beats Bell with another monster. This is a ludicrous delivery. It swung in and then zipped sharply off the seam in the other direction. “If you faced that ball 100 times you’d struggle to hit it, I promise you,” says David Gower. Bell tickles the last delivery of the over off the pads for four. “I’m assuming one of the questions we’d be asking potential dates is how early it’s appropriate to start praying for rain,” says Victoria Ashton. “Right about now looks good to me. Not that I don’t have absolute faith in England’s bowling.” 46th over: England 112-6 (Bell 28, Bresnan 8) Sreesanth is back after a short break, and raps Bresnan on the glove with a short one. The sound has gone on Sky, which means I can’t nick all the commentator’s observations and pass them off as my own tell you what they’re saying about an excellent comeback from Bresnan, a flowing cover drive for four. Sreesanth responds himself with a preposterous leg-cutter that beats the bat. “So what is a par score on this then?” says Alex Stevens. “It’s hooping around and looks a bit two-paced: 275 – 300? I seem to recall you saying that a pitch like this is one of the best things about being alive. Still of that opinion?” Damn straight. This could be a sensational Test. I suppose the only concern, in terms of the contest, is that if the weather is better tomorrow it might follow the pattern of Trent Bridge 2007 . 47th over: England 116-6 (Bell 30, Bresnan 10) “I know this isn’t pirate radio, but: can I please get a shout out to the mighty Hellcatmudwrestler CC, who are playing The Exeter Inn, Chittlehamholt (North Devon), this Sunday?” says Steen Stanley Jensen. “I won’t be able to play as I’m in China, sadly.” How could I say no? 48th over: England 117-6 (Bell 30, Bresnan 11) This is turning into a really good innings from Bell. You’re never in on a day like this, but he is about to become top scorer and a 60 here would be more valuable as many of his Test hundreds. WICKET! England 117-7 (Bresnan c Dravid b Sharma 11) Another one gone. It was another very good piece of bowling, a back-of-a-length delivery from Sharma that straightened just enough to square Bresnan up and take the edge. Rahul Dravid at first slip tumbled to his left to take an excellent low catch. 49th over: England 117-7 (Bell 30, Broad 0) You fancy England will play their shots after tea, and so they should. It would be good if they could get at least 30 overs with the ball tonight. By the way, when I said par was 327, I obviously meant for both innings. I can’t believe you eejits didn’t realise that. “Morgan blessed with genius?” sniffs Iain Mott. “That is surely a word you put with e.g. Richards, Tendulka or Lara. You seem to be trying to squeeze Morgan into that sentence. Fight? Yes, I must warn you though, I boxed for my local club.” I would say you are confusing genius and greatness. But of course it depends on the individual interpretation of the word ‘genius’, and how strict they are in its application. For example, in his autobiography, Mike Atherton (who doesn’t throw words like ‘great’ and ‘genius’ around willy nilly like most eejits) says that he played against only two geniuses in his international career: Lara and Azharuddin. Most people would say that leaving Tendulkar off a list of geniuses is absurd, but I know exactly what he means. I throw these words around like an eejit, however, and I think Morgan has a touch of genius, definitely. That doesn’t mean he’ll make it at Test level. I have no idea whether he will or not. 50th over: England 124-7 (Bell 31, Broad 6) Broad gets off the mark by squirting an inswinger from Sreesanth into the pad and away for a couple. Then he blasts a wide half-volley through the covers for four. He and Swann should definitely attack in this situation. “Hi Rob,” says Chris Rose. “I must say, much as I want England to stick 750 on the board from here, I must say I’m desperate to see what England’s bowlers can do in these conditions….” WICKET! England 124-8 (Bell c Dhoni b Sharma 31) You know what I was saying about Ian Bell top scoring in the innings? A-hem. He’s gone, toe-ending an attempted cut through to Dhoni, who almost dropped the catch as the ball wobbled nastily. 51st over: England 124-8 (Broad 6, Swann 0) That’s tea. It’s been a glorious couple of hours for India, who claimed six wickets for 55 runs in 24 overs. A fascinating evening session will begin in 20 minutes’ time. Join Andy Bull for that. TEA Gee-whizz . It’s a good thing that the English didn’t get too carried away after winning the first Test eh? That no one went around crowing about how we are the best team in the world and were going to beat India 4-0 eh? ‘Cause that would have been embarrassing. Wouldn’t it? “Is it cowardly to pray for sunshine and no cloud cover?” asks Tom Westgate. “I have tickets for day 3, starting to get concerned.” Ill omens dept: four years ago England lost the toss and were put in to field by India. They were bowled out for 198, with Ian Bell top-scoring with 31. Then India made 481. “I’m sitting on the sofa reading the OBO, and steadily tearing my hair out thanks to this less-than-brilliant England performance,” grumbles Will West. “Is there any solace to be taken in the fact that conditions will be difficult or the Indians as well?” Never judge a performance or a pitch until both sides have had a bowl, Will. England’s attack should be even better equipped for this pitch and these conditions than India. Where I do worry is that England’s two most durable batsmen, Trott and Cook, both fell early. India have Dravid, Tendulkar and Laxman, all of whom are capable of playing with similar dedication and application. It’s a mistake to think that England’s batting today has bucked a trend by the way. They’ve remained curiously prone to batting collapses right through Andy Flower’s time in charge. Only last Sunday they were 65 for five. Usually though at least one batsman has managed to dig in and get them out of trouble. Against Pakistan last summer they lost six wickets for 17 runs at Trent Bridge, seven for 46 at Edgbaston and seven for 28 at The Oval. And in 2009 they were bowled out for 51 by the West Indies and for 102 by Australia. The common factor on each occasion has been that the ball has swung. 52nd over: England 128-8 (Broad 9, Swann 1) Simon Townend is not the only man crying out “declare!” “Surely now is the perfect time for the declaration. It would have the element of surprise, and give us the whole session to bowl at them while we’ve still got the cloud cover.” Nope, not while England have Swann and Broad together at the crease. Watch me jinx them right here, but they must be as good a No9 / No10 combination as England have ever fielded in a Test match. Swann has 35 first class fifties and four centuries. There was a time when England’s entire tail from eight to eleven couldn’t muster half that number between them. 53rd over: England 140-8 (Broad 12, Swann 10) Ishant starts at the other end. Swann swats away his first delivery for four through square leg. “What we are witnessing in the shape of the incumbent England captain is something I’ve coined the Strauss Paradox,” says Ian Cairncross, who I feel would have a lot to talk about with Keith Flett of the Beard Liberation Front. “Whereby the more follically challenged a captain becomes, the greater his corresponding decline in calibre. This is something borne out by history, with the notable exception of Graham Gooch (who improved), heroically amassing runs despite appreciable losses in the crown area.” Did Gooch compensate for his receding hairline by growing out his ‘tache though? Maybe Strauss should adopt a similar approach and start grooming a full set of whiskers. Ishant bangs in a short ball which Swann wallops away through mid-wicket for four. The bouncer is truly a waste of time on this pitch. Every one India have delivered has been dispatched to the boundary by the batsmen. 54th over: England 155-8 (Broad 22, Swann 11) And as if to prove the point, Broad hoicks a bouncer away for four through deep square leg, beating the scampering boundary fielder. He flicks the next ball to fine leg for four more, and then has a heave-ho to long-on. Three boundaries in three balls then, and here you have all the explanation you need about why England weren’t about to declare. “Interesting point you raise about the batting line-up’s susceptibility to swing,” says Chris Rose. “You’d think the batsmen would have worked on this with Anderson & the gang to iron out such technical difficulties.” I could answer that, Chris, but Gary Naylor has done it for me: “Point taken about England’s vulnerability to swing ball, but have any Test team ever assembled six batsmen comfortable against the swinging ball? I liked Graham Thorpe’s tight technique and ability to watch the ball right on to the bat, but I’m struggling to think of another batsman I’d back to have toughed it out today.” English batsman, you mean? Because I can think of one or two who I might back to succeed in this match, only they’ve not had their turn yet. 55th over: England 160-8 (Broad 24, Swann 15) These two have been swinging like Benny Goodman’s rhythm section. And so Dhoni has been spooked into bringing Harbhajan on for a bowl. If he thinks that is going to stop them he should know better. Broad sweeps a single away square and after conscientiously blocking four deliveries Swann steps down the pitch and thrashes a drive for four through long-off. “There are few sights in cricket more entertaining than a couple of tail enders (sorry, Duncan, ‘lower order batsmen’) thrashing the bowlers around the park,” chuckles David Horn. “A cheeky partnership of 40 or 50 here will completely change the complexion of the innings – boost the crowd, and make for a thoroughly entertaining last couple of hours. I’m off to get a Magnum and enjoy this.” A Magnum? Do they sell Lambrini in bottles that big? 56th over: England 166-8 (Broad 24, Swann 18) Seems I awardede Broad four runs that were actually leg byes earlier on, which is why his score has rolled back a touch. Bhajji makes a half-arsed attempt to cut off a ball at short third man, and as Athers points out, as he tumbles to the turf he takes a quick look around to see if any of his teammates are backing him up. All he sees is Yuvraj, stood staring at him from backward square with his arms crossed. “I’ll go myself then shall I?” “Yeah. I would.” 57th over: England 173-8 (Broad 31, Swann 20) Swann takes a lumberjack swing at a full ball from Bhajji, lofting high into the air back behind the bowler’s head. It falls between the fielders, and Harbhajan scowls in irritation. His expression gets uglier still later in the over, when Broad spreads his legs and smears four over to cow corner. “Not sure if I could name English batsmen who have perfect techniques against the late swinging ball (few people do) but if it came to the guys with the granite-like cajones to get you out of a pickle, Thorpe, as mentioned, was classy,” says Gareth Fitzgerald, getting all misty-eyed. “Gooch’s 154 at headingly showed a man who was clearly 40% rugged testicles, and Robin Smith at the Edgbaston Death-trap in ’95 almost brought tears to the eyes. Athers in Jo’Burg too.” 58th over: England 181-8 (Broad 37, Swann 19) And that’s a fifty partnership for these two, from 42 balls. It’s not just the fact that they’re scoring them, it’s the rate at which they’re doing it. Praveen is back into the attack now, but it makes no difference. Broad chops four down to third man, then lashes a drive over mid-on. The ball skims the fingertips of the leaping Abhinav Mukund. “When last I looked, MS Dhoni was captain of the World Number One ranked team and the World Champions and I’m, well.. I’m not. But how can he have gone so defensive so quickly? England aren’t yet 200 and they have eight wickets down and Dhoni wants to block off the boundaries…” At this point Gary Naylor decided draw breath and take a long hard look in the mirror: “I’m turning into Fred Trueman aren’t I?” 59th over: England 187-8 (Broad 43, Swann 22) Of course Duncan Fletcher kind of wins either way here. Even if India get routed he’ll be able to say that it only proves his point about how important it is in the modern game to have bowlers who can bat. Broad thrashes four through extra cover. These two are batting so well . Sing, sing, sing, baby. 60th over: England 191-8 (Broad 44, Swann 25) Bumble is coming in off his long run because Mukund is fielding at mid-on wearing a whopping great pair of shin pads, which means he is lumbering lummox-like about the outfield. And even as the words leave his mouth, Broad hits a catch right to Mukund, who topples forward with his hands in front of his face like a drunkard pushing through an open door. The ball lands just in front of him, and when he gets up he buzzes the ball past the stumps for an overthrow. Oops. “Not sure how much good ‘drawers’, granite-like or otherwise, would do you against the late swinging ball,” fnarr fnarrs Jamie Cooke-Sosa. “Cojones, on the other hand, might serve you well.” That’s the second time this week we’ve had that problem. 61st over: England 196-8 (Broad 45, Swann 28) “Stuart Broad has been a bit all or nothing with the bat for the last year or so,” points out Tom Bowtell: 0, 48, 6, 169, 0, 54, 3, 0, 0, 74*, 43*” Boy oh boy this has been fun. These two have put on 70 now. I’m upgrading this from Benny Goodman. It’s now officially the most swinging thing I’ve seen since Tito Puente turned up on Sesame Steet. WICKET! Swann c Mukund b Praveen (England 197-9) “Oy! Oy! Oy!” shouts Bumble, as though he’d just found out the deli was out of dill pickle. It was a strange dismissal. A length ball from Kumar leapt up, forcing Swann to flinch, and then flicked his glove before looping through to slip. That’s an extraordinary ball. Batsmen on both sides will be hoping it was a freak delivery, because it was utterly unplayable, a ripsnorter that spat like fat from the pan despite coming through the air at 75mph. 63rd over: England 199-9 (Broad 47, Anderson 1) It may not be a bad thing if this innings does end soon, because the sun is starting to come out, and if the weather gets much better the Indians might find the going a lot easier than the English did this afternoon. Anderson’s single takes England past their tally from the first innings four years ago. 64th over: England 199-9 (Broad 47, Anderson 1) Praveen beats Anderson with a pair of deliveries that are, quite simply, much, much too good for him to hit. 65th over: England 204-9 (Broad 49, Anderson 2) And there’s the 200, raised with a single through square leg. What a counter-attack this has been by Broad, following on from his 74 at Lord’s last week, and what a mess India have made of bowling to the tail. Dhoni gets his field settings in a muddle here, and Broad to take a single from the fifth ball, giving him the strike for the next over and allowing Anderson to face just the solitary delivery at the end of this over. He knocks it away square for two. “They’ve slightly lost the plot,” says Nasser. And he’s right. 66th over: England 208-9 (Broad 53, Anderson 2) Don’t uncross your fingers just yet. This is a very good stat-spot from John Dalby: Only four times In their last 31 tests have England have scored less than 250 in their first innings. Each occasion has led to defeat for England (Perth v Australia, Oval v Pakistan, Jo’burg v S Africa and Headingly v Australia). England have only had 4 defeats in their last 31 Tests.” What a way to bring up a fifty! Broad clouts a drive straight back down the ground past the bowler to the boundary. He gets a standing ovation from the crowd, and tugs off his helmet to acknowledge their applause. 67th over: England 210-9 (Broad 53, Anderson 6) “Thank you, Andy, for the lovely Benny Goodman clip,” says Marie Meyer. “And also thank you, fashion world, for killing off the style of men’s trousers that it features.” Bull looks down at trousers . Huh, yeah, I mean who would be caught dead wearing them? Scurries off to the toilet to change into a new pair of strides, muttering to himself as he goes. ‘But Hadley told me they were in this season’ . 68th over: England 217-9 (Broad 60, Anderson 6) Sreesanth is back into the attack now. Broad knocks his first ball past the geriatric Yuvraj at square leg. I would say that Yuvi creaked at the knees as he tried to bend down and field it, if he had any knees left. It gets better, Broad tonks the next ball for four over mid-off. Broad takes a single from the last ball, so he will keep the strike again. This is a shambles. India are playing like a real rabble at the moment. 69th over: England 221-9 (Broad 64, Anderson 6) That’s a wonderful shot from Stuart Broad, an inside-out drive for four that could have been the stroke of a No3, never mind a No9. And then… WICKET! Broad 64 c Tendulkar b Harbhajan (England 221) The show is over, Broad is caught on the boundary at cow corner. Honours even then, given that India would have happily taken a total of 221 at the start of the day, but would have been expecting to be facing something much lower than that when they were sipping their chai in the tea break. “Dear Andy,” writes Thomas Semester, in what I like to imagine is an impeccable Boston Brahmin accent. “I am an American working on my first book, which is called “Beasts in Cages Down The Ages – A Compendium of Unusual Happenings in Zoos” I am a recent cricket convert currently visiting England (and hoping to catch some cricket, was reading that Bart King, an AMERICAN, invented swing bowling.) Anyway, if any of your readers have any interesting stories about things which happened to them in zoos, or involving animals in general, I’d love to hear from them.” OK, firstly, to claim that Bart King invented swing bowling is just ludicrous, given that we were playing cricket in this country for 200 years before he was even born. And secondly, given the irredeemably smutty minds of some , many , most , the vast majority of our readers, do you really want to ask them for “interesting stories about things which happened to them in zoos, or involving animals in general”? Really, really? I mean, by way of an example , I’ve had six variations on this email from Will Hayward in the last five minutes: “You say Broad ‘tugs off his helmet to acknowledge their applause’ – pretty controversial way of celebrating…” England have one hour to make a dent in this Indian batting order. They break out of a huddle and sprint to their positions. Here come the batsmen, Dravid and Mukund. If you do have any zoo stories, dear readers, do feel free to send them in. WICKET! Mukund 0 c Pietersen b Anderson (India 0-1) That’s a golden duck for Mukund! Anderson has taken a wicket with the very first ball of the innings. India, it is worth noting, need 21 to avoid the follow-on. It was a poor shot from the young man Mukund, striding forward to drive at an away-swinger that slipped off his outside edge and shot to point. Laxman joins Dravid in the middle, it’s as though the last five days never happened. 2nd over: India 0-1 (Dravid 0, Laxman 0) This is going to be an interesting hour, but don’t necessarily expect too many more wickets to tumble and fall. Dravid and Laxman won’t be playing the kinds of rash shots that Mukund attempted. Graeme Swann, by the way, has gone for a precautionary x-ray on the thumb of his left-hand, the one that got hit by that brute of a ball that got him out. “Interesting (?) zoo experience?” asks Adrian Dixon. “I was urinated on by an Ocelot at a French zoo as a 5 year old. Hot day, right in the Chevy Chase – smelt pretty bad. Still not sure what an ocelot is…” You may not know what one is, but I presume you at least know how to titillate an ocelot? If you don’t, try and work it out, because I’m not going to tell you. But I will admit that your story full justified the use of the question mark. 3rd over: India 1-1 (Dravid 0, Laxman 0) The camera picks out Lord Selvey’s column in this morning’s Guardian. “Prescient,” says Gower. Laxman sneaks a leg bye, and then watches from the non-striker’s end as Dravid is beaten by a jaffa from Anderson. 4th over: India 1-1 (Dravid 0, Laxman 0) Broad has settled into a groove, landing the ball a little outside off-stump and swinging it away. If he can just straighten it up a little more than he will be very dangerous indeed, but for now Laxman is able to leave his bowling well alone. Thomas Semester could kill two birds with one stone by including a cricket zoo story,” points out Tom Van der Gucht. “Wasn’t Steve Waugh whizzed on by lions whilst visiting zoos on two separate occasions whilst touring? On both occasions he went on to score a century too. That did happen, didn’t it? Having typed it I’m worried it might have been a dream, it sounds pretty unlikely.” No, on this occasion you’re quite right van der Gucht. In fact I believe that the second time Waugh visited the zoo he insisted that the lion pee on him, because he was out of form and feeling superstitious. I don’t know how he made the lion, umm, perform. I suppose he just stared at it until it lost control of its bladder. 5th over: India 5-1 (Dravid 4, Laxman 0) After 29 fruitless balls, India finally get a run off the bat as Dravid glances four away square. 6th over: India 7-1 (Dravid 4, Laxman 1) Laxman squirts an inside edge down towards short leg, prompting a few excited shouts from the close fielders. Laxman gets his own first run later in the over, knocking the ball through mid-wicket. “Do safari parks count?” asks John Starbuck. “I was with a friend in his new car which he wanted to show off, so naturally we went round a safari park, where he ran out of petrol. We had to wait a long time for the rescue team (pre-mobile phone days) while the baboons soiled his paintwork and ripped off the wipers. As they do.” Indeed. I once had a very similar experience in Ilminster town centre. 7th over: India 11-1 (Dravid 4, Laxman 5) Anderson over-pitches, prompting Laxman to chance an audacious cover drive. He connects cleanly, and the ball whistles away through extra cover for four. 8th over: India 12-1 (Dravid 5, Laxman 5) Broad roars and runs his fingers through his hair as Dravid chops an inside edge into his pads and past his stumps. “Don’t know if this is really classified as weird, but at Sea World in Australia many years a go (I was about 12 I think), I was lucky enough to get to swim with a dolphin along with some other people and an accompanying trainer,” recalls Tim Xumsai. “At one point in the session the dolphin was idle in the water in front of the trainer (who was probably telling us something interesting that I don’t remember) and we were all treading water either side of the dolphin – I was located at the back right hand side of the Dolphin. My memory is a bit hazy here, but I do remember the trainer commanding the dolphin to go perform a ‘trick’, which was quickly followed by the dolphin rapidly turning in my direction and proceeding to smash his entire head into my face. It’s like when you absentmindedly walk into a lamp post, but 100 times worse. Like I said, the memory is a hazy one.” 9th over: India 14-1 (Dravid 7, Laxman 5) There’s 30 minutes to play tonight. It might be time to give Tim Bresnan a bowl. Anderson hangs three balls outside off-stump, then makes an innocuous-looking delivery rear up into Dravid’s bottom hand. That was a little like the ball did for Swann. REFFERAL! Dravid c Prior b Anderson And the very next ball beats Dravid as it jags back off the pitch and goes through the gate. Asad Rauf shakes his head, but Andrew Strauss asks for a review all the same. He should have known better. Rauf’s umpiring has been utterly impeccable in this series, and he is right again here. The ball slid past the bat, hitting the pad, if anything. So the decision stands and Dravid bats on. 10th over: India 15-1 (Dravid 7, Laxman 6) Broad beats Laxman with an inswinger that nips back and clatters into VVS’ box. Ouch. “He’s down for a compulsory eight count here,” deadpans Bumble. The physio comes out, but as Bumble says “there’s not much he can do, other than offer a bit of sympathy.” Even Nasser is at it: “there’s still too balls left…” he waits a beat “in the over.” 11th over: India 16-1 (Dravid 7, Laxman 6) And here is Tim Bresnan. He starts well, a no ball aside, with a series of tight away-swingers. In my in-box, James Cook has got into a right funk because he has sent me two – very good – pictures, one of his wife and daughter hugging a panda, and another of a goat walking a tightrope with a monkey clinging to its back. No really. I’ll repeat that, a goat walking a tightrope with a monkey clinging to its back. The thing is, it’s late, I’m lazy, and I can’t quite be bothered to crop the photos and upload them in between overs just so you can have a cheap chuckle about the bad practices of some Chinese zoo. Sorry. 12th over: India 16-1 (Dravid 7, Laxman 6) broad finds the edge of Dravid’s bat, and the ball flies through to Prior, dropping just short of his gloves. “Surely Laxman went down for a compulsory two-count,” points out Simon Lacey. “How many swingers can one man have?” 13th over: India 21-1 (Dravid 7, Laxman 10) Laxman caresses a pull away through the leg side for four, rolling his wrists over the shot with the grace of Blofled stroking his cat. Bresnan ends the over well though, rolling a cutter past Dravid’s outside edge. 14th over: India 22-1 (Dravid 7, Laxman 11) Broad is bowling beautifully. Whatever he did between the end of the Sri Lanka series and the start of this one, he should make a habit of repeating it. Perhaps he took a tip from Steve Waugh and got a animal to pee on his kit. If he did I suppose he could do the proverbial and bottle it. 15th over: India 24-1 (Dravid 7, Laxman 13) The last over of the day. What a superb session of batting this has been from the two masters in the middle. Exemplary technique, and admirable fortitude from them both. A jaffa from Bresnan, a leg break that gripped and ripped off the pitch past the edge. “There’s no playing that,” says Nass. The last ball of the day is driven through cover for two, and India end the day trainling by 197. Well, what a day’s play that was. Rob will be back here tomorrow to see what happens, but I won’t reappear till later in the match. Thanks for all your emails. I’m off to read the rest of 24 for 3. Cheerio. India in England 2011 England cricket team India cricket team Cricket Over by over reports Andy Bull Rob Smyth guardian.co.uk

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