Chelsea v Newcastle United – live! | Jacob Steinberg

• Email jacob.steinberg.casual@guardian.co.uk • Check out the latest league tables here • All today’s latest scores sont ici • Follow Jacob to hell and back on Twitter Half-time emails. “Clearly rebuilding has been needed at Chelsea for a while, last year’s double notwithstanding,” says Rob Moline. “If Ancelotti told Abramovich to release all those players last summer – Ballack, Deco et al saying he could win the league without them, then Ancelotti should go. One suspects, however, that Ancelotti has no say; others buy and sell the players, and he’s being right, royally screwed. Don’t know – do you? And while Josh Mc? might blow away in a stiff breeze, Wilshere isn’t exactly the incredible Hulk, yet he manages to play a robust, physical (manly, after Souness) game.” I don’t think Ancelotti has much say. “Why are Chelsea fans complaining,” says Tom Shaw. “You don’t get football, do you?” Sadly I get it all too well. “Come on, Scottish Fitba – at least to judge by EPL zealots’ denunciations of it – is *always* in disgrace, but it’s still compelling!” insists Ryan Dunne. A helicopter is quite literally about to land near the pitch at the Rangers game! Maybe it would be cool if, in England, helicopters landed at freshly-relegated teams and gave them (say) a Guide to the Championship and map to all the diddy team grounds?” I’m about to cause a scene. “Well, Chelsea have really had their stuffing pulled out by that last goal,” says Linda Howard. “They look like sad, sad puppies. Stuffingless puppies. With the added melancholy of Ray Wilkins’ sighs and lamentations about their sad, sad season I’m starting to think of jinking on over to a sad, sad patchy live stream of Scotland with all the “Who knows what will happen!”. All the potential to bring even more of the sad.” Everything ok? Anything you want to share with the group? 45 min+2: Ryan Taylor wastes the free-kick, trying to drive the ball through the crowd. Lampard boots clear and the half-time whistle is blown. That was entertaining enough. 45 min+1: Ramires is booked for kicking the ball away after he barges into the back of Gutierrez to the left of the area. 44 min: Anelka’s drive from the edge of the area is charged down, but the spin on the shot takes it behind for a corner. Lampard whips it in from the left and the cross squirms into the six-yard box, leading to a goalmouth scramble. Newcastle eventually scramble it clear and streak forward on the counter. With Ivanovic injured in Newcastle’s box, Chelsea are all over the place as Lovenkrands releases Ferguson on the left. He makes his way into the area and then stands a cross up to Lovenkrands. He’s a mere three yards from goal but Cole does excellently to ease him away from the cross. 42 min: Barton dithers over a clearance in his own area and loses possession to Ramires. He works an opening with Torres, but again he’s too slow and lethargic, and eventually finds himself outmuscled. 41 min: Ray Wilkins is referring to Chelsea’s players by their first names, just in case you’d forgotten that he knows them, used to work there and is definitely not bitter about his sacking. 40 min: Cech hits a dreadful decision straight to Ferguson, but he’s blocked off by Alex. He knocks it back to Enrique but his cross is deflected through to Cech and Chelsea get away with it. 38 min: And now they’re angry again, not that they have any reason to be. Anelka was fouled 25 yards from goal but the ball ran to Lampard, so Mason quite correctly played the advantage. Lampard’s shot was blocked, but Chelsea were in a good position, so why are they complaining? 37 min: Sarcastic applause and jeers from the Chelsea fans as Mason gives them a free-kick for Coloccini’s foul on Benayoun. 36 min: Chelsea’s fans are getting increasingly irate with Lee Mason, who is giving a lot of marginal decisions against them. Now he penalises Lampard for a handball in the middle of Chelsea’s half, but Ryan Taylor tries to score from a preposterous distance. The end result is predictable. 33 min: Football fans always find identikit songs. A few years ago the in-vogue chant was ‘Easy! Easy! Easy!’ whenever a goal was scored. Now all away fans have started singing “I want to go home! I want to go home, this is a EXPLETIVE DELETED, I want to go home!” It’s really dull and has to stop. Not least because Phil Brown made the song popular. 32 min: It’s still not really happening for Torres. 30 min: A decisive piece of goalkeeping from Krul, who races out of his area to beat Anelka to the ball and head it away. 28 min: This was nearly the own goal to top all own goals. McEachran, who has started positively, slides a great pass inside Barton for Cole to chase. He holds off two challenges and then knocks the ball across the area, trying to find the onrushing Anelka, who would have had a simple finish. Enrique gets there first however, only for his firm clearance to crash against Taylor who was nearby. It could have gone anywhere but thankfully flies wide rather than into the net. Given the way Newcastle got their goal, there would have been a certain amount of justice if that had gone in. 27 min: Encouragement for Newcastle. First Lovenkrands breaks down the left flank and tries to slide a low cross to Ameobi, Alex desperately cutting it out. That was a vital piece of defending. Then Simpson tries a shot from 30 yards out, the ball flying over the top. 25 min: “It’s a great game, isn’t it?” says Ray Wilkins, I love his relentless enthusiasm. He’s just so pleased to be here and refers to every player as a ‘ lovely young man ‘, sounding strangely like your doddery old aunt as he does. 25 min: Lampard heads a long ball into Chelsea’s area behind for a corner on the right. Ryan Taylor’s delivery is dismal though, the midfielder’s corner going behind and then coming back in. Just before he took it, Ray Wilkins had been praising his ability with set-pieces, his very own Kevin Keegan moment. 24 min: “Regarding the new kit, are Chelsea so hard up that they have had to start using Birmingham’s cast offs?” says Mark Elliott. It does bear a striking resemblance actually. 22 min: This time Anelka tries his luck on the left. He teases Simpson and then makes a fool out of the young defender, stepping past him in nimble fashion. His cross is too close to Krul however. He did the hard part so well, but the end product was poor. 21 min: Torres causes more bother on the left but again he can’t get a shot away as he tries to trick his way inside. He loses it but Lampard seizes possession, only for his cross to take a deflection and fly to Krul. 20 min: Lampard hoists a free-kick into the Newcastle area. They make a meal out of clearing it, Ameobi only heading out to Alex, who shanks an awkward volley miles wide of the left post. 17 min: After Newcastle pootle about unconvincingly outside Chelsea’s area, they lose the ball and suddenly it’s shuffled forwards to Torres, who’s faced by just two Newcastle defenders. In his Liverpool days, he would surely have taken them on, but instead looks too edgy to do so here. He stops and checks for support, but with no one helping out, he realises he has to go it alone. He lopes towards the area, eventually going down under a challenge from behind. He wants a free-kick but Mason waves his appeals away. The ball breaks to Lampard, who’s finally burst forward but he can’t get it under control and eventually Ramires is penalised for a late lunge on Simpson. 16 min: McEachran concedes a free-kick out on the left touchline. It’s curled high to the far post towards Ameobi, who causes Cech a bit of bother. Cech spills it and it nearly falls to Coloccini with the goal gaping but a Chelsea defender steams in to boot it behind. The corner comes to nothing. 15 min: “I point Ryan Dunne to live streaming,” offers Linda Howard. “It’s patchy, it freezes and jerks you through and makes you sad for your limited life, and then there’s the increased threat of catching a nasty virus. All hail Scotland! Meanwhile this is GOOD STUFF!” 12 min: Torres races behind the Newcastle defence again but fouls Coloccini in a bid to get to the ball. The whistle blows and Torres then cracks a shot wide. He’s not booked though, which should wind up Arsenal fans. GOAL! Chelsea 1-1 Newcastle (Gutierrez, 10 min): The free-kick is delayed while John Terry performs his fourth official duties, deciding precisely where the ball should be placed. It looks like Ryan Taylor has stolen a few yards forward to be fair. After a bit of faffing about, eventually Taylor cracks a low shot towards the bottom right corner. It looked like Cech would have had it covered, but he was completely wrong-footed as the shot deflected off the backside of Gutierrez, standing on the edge of the area. A goal reminiscent of Pippo Inzaghi’s first against Liverpool in the Champions League final in 2007 . Gutierrez is adamant it’s his goal and lets Taylor know in no uncertain terms. What a start. 9 min: John Terry earns the first booking after getting caught the wrong side of Lovenkrands, bringing the Danish forward down 25 yards from goal. 7 min: Lampard and Benayoun combine beautifully to set Torres racing in behind the Newcastle defence on the left. He’s just forced wide by Benayoun’s quick-witted flick, but manages to cut inside Simpson, working the ball on to his right foot and then slips as he slices a dreadful shot away to the right corner flag. Ah. The camera pans to Abramovich, who looks unimpressed. 6 min: Ivanovic has enjoyed an excellent start. It was his wicked that cross that won the corner that led to his goal and Newcastle are struggling to cope with his raids up the right flank. A rude awakening for young Ferguson. 5 min: Cole, who is being booed by the Newcastle fans whenever he gets it, heads down to Anelka, who skews an ambitious volley high and wide of the right post. 4 min: Anelka goes on a mazy run down the left flank but his cross towards Torres is too long and Enrique chests back to Krul confidently. GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Newcastle (Ivanovic, 2 min): All hail the power of Chelsea’s new kit. They lead already. It was poor defending from a Lampard corner on Newcastle’s part. How often have we written that? From the left, he whipped it towards the near post and Torres got there to flick it into the six-yard box, where Ivanovic got ahead of the ponderous Coloccini to knee the ball home on the volley from close range. 1 min: And we’re off. Newcastle get us going, kicking from left to right, attacking the Matthew Harding Stand. McEachran’s on the ball straight away, indulging in a bit of tiki-taka in midfield before his attempted pass through to Cole is cut out. Sky have managed to pick the two least interesting games of the day to show live, but finally this match has a bit of relevance for Sky – it’s a chance for them to show Chelsea in their NEW KIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s a bold line-up from Ancelotti, a nod to the future, with Fernando Torres starting and the new Jack Wilshere, Josh McEachran, in midfield. McEachran is meant to be the real deal, although my colleague Tom Bryant points out that he could get blown away by a gust of wind at any moment. Four of the old guard, Essien, Drogba, Mikel, Malouda, are on the bench, while David Luiz is still on the naughty step after last week’s disaster at Old Trafford. As for Newcastle, they have a youngster of their own in midfield, Shane Ferguson. I’ve never seen him play, but apparently he’s a left winger. More interestingly, Carl Cort’s Shola Ameobi’s brother, Sammy , is on the bench. The stats aren’t particularly favourable for Newcastle. Although they won at Stamford Bridge in the Carling Cup in September, they haven’t won here in the league since a 3-1 victory in 1986. They’ve also been on the end of some right hammerings in the Roman era too. Pre-match emails. “Bit harsh to call Mourinho a raging galoot I’d say,” says Robin Hazelhurst. “If Chelsea are looking to replace Ancelotti now, then they be interested that Grant could be available again, and he at least got them to the final of the Big Cup. Although I understand that fans of his current club are loving his work and would be very sorry to see him go.” Don’t test me. Not today. “Is there anything good about coming 2nd instead of 3rd in the Prem?” asks Edward Taylor. “In terms of money, Champions League draw, anything?” You do get more money if you finish second, but other than it’s all about being first loser. “Why is there a MBM of this Chelsea/Newcastle dead rubber but not of the fabulous Helicopter Sunday aka last day of the Scottish Season!?!” blasts Ryan Dunne. “Frank Lampard supports the Glorious Glasgow Rangers you know ( whilst a Hammer like yourself surely has a vague interest in Celtic’s fortunes?))” Scottish football is in disgrace, that’s why. So this is a total waste of time. This time last week, Chelsea harboured realistic hopes of going into this game in first place, but with Manchester United wrapping up the title yesterday, they now find themselves with nothing to play for, unless the race for second really grabs you. It’s end-of-term time at Stamford Bridge then. Maybe everyone should just stop pretending that this really matters and stick a DVD of Gladiator on instead. (That still happens, right?) But wait! You wouldn’t want to miss what most probably will be Carlo Ancelotti’s last appearance at Stamford Bridge, would you? I don’t know. It’s a strange thing when a manager who won the double last season – and not to mention two Champions League titles with Milan – is now judged not good enough on the basis of one dodgy season. A dodgy season in which they look finishing second in the league, one place behind the most successful side in the history of English football. Clearly rebuilding is needed at Chelsea; the side has to be manufactured to get the best out of Fernando Torres next season, but surely Ancelotti’s record demonstrates that he deserves another chance to get it right. The decision to trust in the youth players last summer backfired during their horrible run in the winter, but that was a call from upstairs. True, Chelsea’s displays in the domestic cups were miserable. They have also disappointed against Manchester United and Inter in the Champions League, which perhaps contributed more to Ancelotti’s likely dismissal, but it stands to reason that a manager who has won the competition twice probably knows how to win that competition. If Ancelotti does go, Roman Abramovich will have seen off him, Claudio Ranieri, Jose Mourinho, Avram Grant, Luiz Felipe Scolari and with the exception of one raging galoot on that list, there are some big names right there. Maybe it’s not them, Roman. Maybe it’s you. There’s always someone worse off than you though which is the mantra I repeat to myself every morning, afternoon and night and Chelsea could always have Mike Ashley running the show. Now there’s a man who makes some interesting decisions. I suppose we have to give him some credit for Newcastle’s fine season though, even if the decision to sack Chris Hughton still looks ludicrous. It’s easy to forget this now, but back in December, everyone was expecting Alan Pardew to take Newcastle straight back down. In that context then, Pardew has done a remarkable job since taking over, overcoming a dubious Toon Army and turning up at training one day to find Shefki Kuqi standing where Andy Carroll used to be. Chelsea (4-3-3): Cech; Ivanovic, Alex, Terry, Cole; Ramires, McEachran, Lampard; Anelka, Benayoun, Torres. Subs: Turnbull, David Luiz, Essien, Drogba, Mikel, Malouda, Ferreira. Newcastle (4-4-2): Krul; Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Jose Enrique; Gutierrez, Barton, Ryan Taylor, Ferguson; Shola Ameobi, Lovenkrands. Subs: Soderberg, Smith, LuaLua, Ranger, Tavernier, Kuqi, Sammy Ameobi. Referee: Lee Mason. Premier League Chelsea Newcastle United Jacob Steinberg guardian.co.uk

Posted by on May 15, 2011. Filed under News, Politics, World News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.