Football clockwatch – live!

• Hit F5 or refresh for the latest (sorry, auto-refresh down) • Email rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk with your thoughts • Keep up with all today’s goals on our live scoreboard • And follow live in-running league tables 3.30pm “Ha,” says Andrew Buddery, “and after a blissful winter following your cricket coverage, I’d forgotten how much of a wind-up merchant you are when writing about football. Good afternoon, Rob!” That would be quite funny if it actually meant anything. 3.29pm “Your description of Kuyt’s contribution to Liverpool’s opener confirms he has a big touch for a short player,” says Ian Copestake. Is 2010-11 the season in which English football learned to stop worrying and love Dirk Kuyt? 3.28pm: SPURS 1-1 WEST BROM (Pavlyuchenko 27) The underused Roman Pavlyuchenko whips in a fine equaliser from 20 yards. Benoit Assou-Ekotto wasn’t on the field, but I think just his mere presence in the ground was the inspiration for the goal. 3.27pm karma department It’s now Hull 1-3 Middlesbrough, with Julio Arca the scorer. 3.25pm: LIVERPOOL 2-0 BIRMINGHAM (Kuyt 23) Ben Foster makes two great saves from Luis Suarez and Dirk Kuyt, but Kuyt bounces to his feet to put the loose ball into the net. 3.24pm: PORT VALE 0-1 STOCKPORT (Elding 20) The great escape is on! You heard it here last. 3.23pm “Surely its fair to point out that the reason Benoit Assou-Ekotto was beaten by Odemwingie is that he was actually injured in the challenge and has had to be substituted?” says Andy Buddery. Well, it might be if I was watching the game. But we’re in England, and in England we can’t legally watch 3pm games, so I was basically paraphrasing what was said on Soccer Saturday. Take it up with Phil Thompson. After a blissful winter of doing cricket, I’d forgotten how sensitive football fans on the internet can be. Two grown men are, you know, allowed to have two different opinions without one of them being unfair, or a rotter, or a deviant, or a wally. 3.22pm: WOLVES 1-0 FULHAM (Fletcher 21) I can’t keep up with all this. What day is it? Who am I? Are we all free? Anyway, Wolves have scored, a smart header from the underrated Steven Fletcher. Wolves are far too good to go down, surely? 3.20pm: ASTON VILLA 0-1 STOKE (Jones 20) Just as people were starting to say nice things about their style of play, Stoke actually score from a long throw: taken by Rory Delap, headed in by Kenwyne Jones. 3.18pm “One for the bloopers tapes here,” says John Ashdown. “After a decent opening from the home side, Bristol City win a corner and Steve Simonsen flaps it into his own net. A quite stunning piece of ineptitude.” We should open a book on what time Ashers completely loses it, rises to his feet and flings his laptop onto the pitch in disgust. I’m going for 3.21pm. 3.17pm: BLACKPOOL 0-1 NEWCASTLE (Lovenkrands 17) It’s all over for Blackpool, isn’t it? Charlie Adam is caught in possession – there’s a shock – and it results in a goal for Peter Lovenkrands. 3.16pm “Assou-Ekotto has been one of our best performers this season,” says Jack Howes. “He’s a class player who admittedly is prone to the occasional error. However to say he has had a shocking season is complete and utter bollocks. Alan Hansen proved he doesn’t watch football when he lambasted him a while back on MOTD. You’ve been too busy watching the cricket Rob.” I like Assou-Ekotto a lot, as a player and a bloke, but he’s been ragged in almost every game I’ve watched this season. Just my opinion, it’s not going to kill anyone. ‘Shocking’ was hyperbolic though, it’s true. 3.15pm “In that photo montage at the top of the page,” says Phil Sawyer, “why is Alex McLeish licking Ian Holloway’s ear?” Never mind that: what position is Roy Hodgson assuming with Mark Hughes at his feet? 3.14pm: BRING BACK PHIL BROWN Make that Hull 1-2 Middlesbrough , with Scott McDonald scoring two goals in a minute. 3.13pm Blimey, these clockwatches are a bit lively, aren’t they? It’s now Hull 1-1 Middlesbrough, with Celtic legend alumnus Scott McDonald equalising for Boro. 3.12pm I wish we had a journocam on John Ashdown this afternoon: his beloved Sheffield United have gone 1-0 down at home to Bristol City  – thanks to an own goal from their keeper Steve Simonsen. 3.10pm A nasty incident at the Stadium of Light. After a clash of heads, and over six minutes’ treatment, Phil Bardsley has been stretchered off to be replaced by Anton Ferdinand. So Sunderland are down to 10 men. 3.07pm: LIVERPOOL 1-0 BIRMINGHAM (Rodriguez 7) A dismal first touch from Dirk Kuyt creates the opening goal for Liverpool. He miscontrolled the ball so badly that it went five yards in front of him, but it inadvertently set up Jay Spearing for a long shot that was spilled badly by Ben Foster, and Maxi Rodriguez was first to the rebound. 3.06pm: SPURS 0-1 WEST BROM (Odemwingie 5) Spurs will go fourth if they win today. So, what with them being Spurs , they are behind. Benoit Assou-Ekotto’s shocking season continues when he is outmuscled by Peter Odemwingie, who runs through and gives West Brom the lead. 3.04pm I haven’t seen Soccer Saturday for months, since they took Sky Sports News off Freeview. It’s like being back in the bosom of an old friend. Actually, that’s far too weird a turn oh phrase. Whatever. Hull are beating Middlesbrough 1-0, thanks to Jay Simpson. They might well make the play-offs, although they would still be in the Premier League if they hadn’t driven that crazy maverick genius Phil Brown out of town. 2.59pm “Are you interested in updates from bottom of the Championship?” says my colleague John Ashdown. “Here at Bramall Lane, stunning Easter sunshine has become torrential rain, a neat meteorological metaphor for Sheffield United between 2006 and today. The Blades can’t quite get relegated today, but the final nail is three-quarters of the way into the coffin anyway. Interestingly we’ve got four special guests on the pitch pre-kick off – Jeff Eckhardt (Sheffield-born, 74 apps), Tony Philliskirk (son on the home bench, 80 apps), Wayne Allison (cult hero, 73 apps) and Earl Barrett. Quite what Earl Barrett is doing there I don’t know – he made five appearances on loan in 1998. And was abysmal.” Wash your mouth out with gin, Ashdown. Earl Barrett has three England caps, and no bad players have ever played for England, and especially not under Graham Taylor. A nice accompaniment to today’s match between Brighton (93 points) against Southampton (77 points) 2.53pm “You’d think sex and monster munch would work, wouldn’t you?” says Dan Smith. “But you’re just left shamefaced with crumbs in the bed and a flamin’ hot burning sensation. Are you covering Chesterfield away at Oxford this afternoon?” Where do you think I’m typing this from? Sheff Utd v Bristol City team news Sheff Utd Simonsen, Lowton, Maguire, Lowry, Mattock, Williamson, McAllister, Montgomery, Quinn, Slew, Henderson. Subs: Aksalu, Doyle, Bogdanovic, Kozluk, Collins, Philliskirk, Riise. Bristol City James, McAllister, Nyatanga, Stewart, Spence, Adomah, Elliott, Cisse, Woolford, Maynard, Pitman. Subs: Gerken, Johnson, Clarkson, Skuse, Wilson, Campbell-Ryce, Stead. Referee Andy D’Urso (Essex) Port Vale v Stockport team news Port Vale Tomlinson, Yates, Collins, Owen, McCombe, Dodds, Griffith, Roberts, Robert Taylor, Marc Richards, Justin Richards. Subs: Martin, Kris Taylor, Haldane, Rigg, Morsy, Sutton, Davis. Stockport Glennon, Halls, Assoumani, Brown, Goodall, Mainwaring, Wallace, Vincent, Poole, Griffin, Elding. Subs: McLoughlin, Lynch, Fisher, Rose, Darkwah, Whitehead. Referee Peter Quinn (Cleveland) Brighton v Southampton team news Brighton Ankergren, Calderon, Elphick, El-Abd, Painter, Bennett, Bridcutt, Sparrow, Dicker, Barnes, Murray. Subs: Brezovan, Dunk, Kishishev, Sandaza, Wood, Noone, Navarro. Southampton Davis, Butterfield, Jaidi, Fonte, Dickson, Chaplow, Hammond, Gobern, Do Prado, Lambert, Forte. Subs: Bialkowski, Richardson, Seaborne, Lallana, Connolly, N’Guessan, Stephens. Referee Scott Mathieson (Cheshire) Liverpool v Birmingham team news Liverpool Reina, Flanagan, Carragher, Skrtel, Robinson, Meireles, Spearing, Lucas, Maxi, Kuyt, Suarez. Subs: Gulacsi, Cole, Kyrgiakos, Ngog, Poulsen, Shelvey, Coady. Birmingham Foster, Carr, Johnson, Jiranek, Ridgewell, Larsson, Bowyer, Gardner, Fahey, Hleb, Jerome. Subs: Doyle, Phillips, Bentley, Derbyshire, Parnaby, Beausejour, Davies. Referee Howard Webb (S Yorkshire) Tottenham v West Brom team news Tottenham Gomes, Kaboul, Gallas, Dawson, Assou-Ekotto, Van der Vaart, Huddlestone, Modric, Bale, Pavlyuchenko, Defoe. Subs: Cudicini, Lennon, Jenas, Crouch, Bassong, Sandro, Pienaar. West Brom Carson, Reid, Meite, Olsson, Shorey, Brunt, Mulumbu, Scharner, Thomas, Odemwingie, Vela. Subs: Myhill, Tchoyi, Pablo, Morrison, Fortune, Cox, Jara. Referee Stuart Attwell (Warwickshire) Blackpool v Newcastle team news Blackpool Gilks, Eardley, Baptiste, Evatt, Crainey, Vaughan, Adam, Southern, Phillips, Campbell, Taylor-Fletcher. Subs: Kingson, Ormerod, Varney, Cathcart, Puncheon, Reid, Beattie. Newcastle Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Coloccini, Jose Enrique, Barton, Nolan, Tiote, Gutierrez, Ameobi, Lovenkrands. Subs: Soderberg, Perch, Ryan Taylor, Ireland, Steven Taylor, Ranger, Kuqi. Referee Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire) Aston Villa v Stoke team news Aston Villa Friedel, Walker, Dunne, Collins, Luke Young, Downing, Petrov, Reo-Coker, Ashley Young, Bent, Heskey. Subs: Marshall, Pires, Agbonlahor, Albrighton, Makoun, Clark, Cuellar. Stoke Begovic, Wilkinson, Huth, Shawcross, Wilson, Pennant, Whelan, Delap, Etherington, Jones, Walters. Subs: Sorensen, Collins, Fuller, Pugh, Diao, Whitehead, Faye. Referee Chris Foy (Merseyside) Wolverhampton v Fulham team news Wolverhampton Hennessey, Stearman, Craddock, Berra, Ward, Guedioura, Henry, O’Hara, Jarvis, Milijas, Fletcher. Subs: Hahnemann, Kightly, Ebanks-Blake, Vokes, Hammill, Mancienne, Foley. Fulham Schwarzer, Baird, Hughes, Hangeland, Salcido, Davies, Sidwell, Murphy, Dempsey, Gudjohnsen, Dembele. Subs: Stockdale, Kelly, Johnson, Etuhu, Kakuta, Zamora, Greening. Referee Michael Oliver (Northumberland) Sunderland v Wigan team news Sunderland Mignolet, Elmohamady, Turner, Onuoha, Bardsley, Henderson, Cattermole, Colback, Sessegnon, Gyan, Welbeck. Subs: Carson, Zenden, Malbranque, Muntari, Riveros, Meyler, Ferdinand. Wigan Al Habsi, Gohouri, Alcaraz, McCarthy, Gary Caldwell, Watson, N’Zogbia, Cleverley, Boyce, Rodallega, Diame. Subs: Kirkland, Thomas, Di Santo, Moses, Gomez, Sammon, Stam. Referee Lee Probert (Wiltshire) The 3pm Premier League games We’ll also be keeping a third of an eye on some of the important matches in the Football League. Aston Villa v Stoke Blackpool v Newcastle Liverpool v Birmingham Sunderland v Wigan Tottenham v West Brom Wolverhampton v Fulham Preamble Gormless posturing, casual racism and the intrusive shrill of ambulance sirens. It can only mean one thing: just another Friday night out with the Guardian Sport team St George’s Day. And on this most important day for all Englishmen, today’s clockwatch will celebrate the best league in the world. The Bundesliga. Okay, it won’t, because we don’t do Bundesliga clockwatches, but there’s a vaguely interesting point here. Well, a point. In England it has almost become a truism that the Premier League is the best league in the world. The observation is a constant, and only the justification changes. So, a couple of years ago, when the Premier League was woefully uncompetitive but consistently dominant in Europe, it was the best league in the world because it had the best teams. Now, even though England are miles behind Spain in Europe, the Premier League is the best in the world because somebody new broke into the top four!!!! it is so competitive. It’s irrational, disingenuous and simplistic, not to mention a load of fresh horse pucky. You can’t quantify how good a league is, based on the number of points it takes to win it, or the points gap between top or bottom, or the number of European Cup semi-finalists. The best league in the world is not necessarily, for example, the one with the best teams. You have to take a valued judgement based on all kinds of factors: the sheer quality of the best teams, the openness of the competition, the remorselessness of the title run-in, the attacking intent of the teams, the atmosphere at the grounds, the ratio of cheats to men, and so on. If you do that, you’d have to be either completely off your rocker or high on the paint you’ve just applied to your face in the shape of the St George’s Cross to think that the Premier League is the best in the world at the moment. Right here, right now, it’s in a rare old state. Indeed this has been, by a reasonable distance, the worst Premier League season since the competition began in 1992. The quality has been shamefully low, and just about the only thing going for it is the fact that we still have a race at the top and bottom of the table (which is a bit like giving a stupid kid a gold star at school for spelling his name correctly). That relegation battle will look a lot clearer after this set of 3pm fixtures, which involve 10 of the 12 sides who could still feasibly go down. Perhaps the most important match is Blackpool v Newcastle. Blackpool have been in freefall, with only five points from the last 13 games. They still have games at White Hart L ane and Old Trafford, and if they lose today it is hard to see them staying up. That would be a huge shame because, as David Lacey wrote on these pages today , they have been one of the few joys of a forgettable season. Like Luton in 1982-83 and Foggia in 1991-92 – they are a newly promoted side who have given the rulebook the finger and decided to attack and enjoy themselves. Is there anything better in life than a newly promoted loose cannon? Yes, obviously – there’s the physical act of love, and Monster Munch – but it is still one of the most enjoyable things in football. That’s why, even if Blackpool are relegated, we will remember them far longer than we will the Wolverhampton, West Ham, Wigan, Blackburn, Birmingham, Sunderland, Stoke, Fulham, West Brom, Aston Villa, Newcastle, Bolton, Everton, Liverpool, Tottenham, Manchester City, Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester United sides of 2010-11. Premier League Championship League One League Two Rob Smyth guardian.co.uk

Posted by on April 23, 2011. Filed under News, Politics, World News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.